08 Amber's Plays
07/16/2007

GM: Almost on the mark of the first month of Avye's time in the world, your mine receives an order from the 'Southern Fleet Tradesmen' - Caine's favorite distributors. It amounts to almost three months' production, and they want it very soon.

Helena: I chill, then shake it off. Do we normally do business direct? I would have thought we would do such business through the trade embassy.

GM: Semi-direct orders are not uncommon, now that you do your own milling. The order has the Jesby / Hendrake stamp, approved if not arranged by them.

Helena: How much would such an order put us off our other orders?

GM: One distributor has been slow to pay, so you could withhold his next shipment without too much fuss. That leaves you a month to come up with a month and a half of stones.

Helena: So worst case if the purchase backs out, I'm out a full month plus a half month overtime?

GM: Yeah, but you have enough capital and credit to survive such a mess... once.

Helena: I send a response through the trade embassy--premium due to speed of request; covering risk assessment requires prepayment for (one month's worth plus the extra cost of the half-month overtime). Will engage order upon receipt of prepayment. Otherwise can offer one month now, two more month's worth at the end of three months.

GM: Two days later, the reply offers prepayment and then some, paying well above the going rate, but not so much that one could not turn a profit at their end, if they had a desperate enough buyer.

Helena: response: additional prepayment can increase speed of delivery. First third of delivery can change hands with prepayment. Payment in full requested upon delivery of final fulfilment of order.

I have the ready part of the delivery standing by, for transport through the trade embassy upon receipt. I begin adjusting shifts and contracting extra security to cover as soon as I have received word of the exchange.

GM: The payment arrives within a Turning.

Helena: We go. The contract was addressed to the mine, or Jesby, not me, right?

GM: The mine, yes. Seems they wanted to avoid middlemen. They did arrange all the proper approvals, though.

Helena: So, we exchange the standing month and a half's worth for the prepayment, and gear up for the next month and a half's worth to be processed in four weeks.

The risk at this point is 2 weeks' worth, plus one delayed existing delivery.

GM: Sounds about right... and it is not much of a risk at the price they are paying. What measures do you take to meet your goals? Temporary workers, additional shifts? Everything above board?

Helena: everything above board. Experienced bosses plus new temporary workers. Can't really fit additional shifts, in the day, unless the mine can tolerate more than one work site. If so, I'm thinking of using this as an excuse to expand the work force to always run parallel shifts, since it will be valuable when / if we open a second site.

GM: The mine could tolerate a second work site, though it will tax the current air scrubbers. You do have the capital to purchase additional labor contracts, though it may be overkill if no such orders are coming in the future.

Helena: upgrading air scrubbers; getting good quality personal units for the workers in the meantime. The personal units will be useful later on new sites, in any case.

GM: Now things are a bit tight, but still in the black. And a second such order would be a piece of cake, if it comes.

Helena: fine. Run like this... watching the timelines of the potential new sites so I can get the additional labor in time for them to have some useful levels of experience before the new mine opens.

I want to know from the Embassy if anyone else to their knowledge wants these stones. Have they had any demand at all in that part of the ... world?

GM: You complete the order some three Turnings early. A small bonus and a box of cigars comes with the agreed payment. Amber herself has had no demand, but several kingdoms she is heavily treatied with seem to like - if not love - them.

Helena: I dispose of the cigars, and invest the bonus in the mine.

I figure Caine is fucking with me, but I will deal straight until he makes his play. Given I want to have nothing to do with investigating the play beforehand, I start taking steps to minimize losses. I rapidly put the mine on a self-investing basis, withdrawing and paying off any capital loans, VC, IC, etc. If Caine takes "my" venture down, no one else loses, and I minimize my losses, too.

Also with the extra site open, I can quickly prep the backorder for our slow-paying distributor, to deliver when he can come up with the payment.

I can also stockpile somewhat, to cover other rushes.

GM: He is finally coming current, but does not press. This distributor offers more than the previous rate - though not as much as Southern.

Helena: Fine. Still worth doing business with, staying diversified as long as possible.

If, for example, Caine manages to completely end demand, I will run to 20 percent loss on my initial investment, then close up shop except for permanent installations, leave a skeleton crew, and hold the mine rights for, say... five more years.

All other investors took reasonable returns; I've had a fun project for as long as it lasted, and only lost the equivalent of a year's personal salary.

A big year, but that's not too bad.

y'know... in the worst case.

GM: Sure, worst case.

Helena: (business worst, not "he decides to muck me up personally" worst)

GM: (well, yeah)

Helena: So... proceding as described.

GM: A month after this, another large order... though this time within your ability to produce.

Helena: take it. straightforward. request another report from the Embassy on what they know about how the stones are being used and by whom, and if it matches anything like these outputs.

GM: The Embassy is slower to approve the order. A tiny fraction of the last order has reached any market. Are they being stockpiled?

Helena: Probably. Or used for something we haven't researched. The equivalent of jeweler's rouge or something.

GM: In the midst of your financial goings-on with Southern, word reaches you through diplomatic channels that the King of Amber is planning a State Visit to Chaos, and has requested your assistance as a guide during his stay. The Ambassador's corps has politely requested that you decline, so a less 'politically complex' representative of Chaos might be substituted. How do you respond?

Helena: (heh) I decline, so a less 'politically complex' representative of Chaos might be substituted.

GM: Shortly after you imagine your decline has been passed along, you receive a Trump call. Your daughter is asleep at the moment. Do you take the call? Considering that you are home for a day off, where are you and how are you dressed?

Meanwhile, in the time that has passed, you are making progress with your shift practice. The 'potential' form at the end is not stable / maintainable yet, but you feel closer. Using 'her' as your starting point has helped quite a bit - maybe more than you're comfortable admitting, even.

As you work in your new Avatar-form, both Boss and Porland are looking at you sideways (lemur head tips right, dog head tips left; very cute.)

Helena: I quickly shift back to Helena - me - and pull on a robe that I leave out on a rack before taking the call.

GM: King Random appears through the Trump connection. "Hello, Princessa. Am I interrupting?"

Helena: "Your Majesty." I do not answer his question.

GM: A brief quiet, letting you watch him come to his own conclusions. Then, "I received your regrets package. No problem. I was just wondering if you were up for honoring your lunch debt while I'm in the neighborhood."

Helena: ... up for it? I consider the words. What could be less appropriate?

GM: His tone is that of an old academy buddy... which clearly bears no resemblance whatsoever to your relationship.

Helena: "I am in Jesby Ways at the moment. I imagine your business with our King will take you to Thelbane."

GM: "Several days of unremitting Thelbane, I wager."

Helena: If you ask that I attend you, Your Majesty, of course I will make myself available."

GM: "Family gossip over a meal is an Amberite tradition that you are overdue on getting introduced to. If you need a royal decree, then I'll send the engraved invitation once I arrive."

Helena: "It is a tradition that, as you say, I do not share. For my own political protection, an explicit invitation would be correct. I await it, Your Majesty." I make to close the connection.

GM: "As you wish." He lets you go, severing the connection.

What do you do once the call is over?

Helena: Shake off the unpleasant tension behind my eyes by playing with the fur kids a bit, and waiting for Avye to wake up for her afternoon feeding. When Saras comes home and is settled in with us, I tell him about the call.

GM: After hearing your account of events, Saras asks, "Do you think there is any truth in it, or is this just another test? I have to wonder, can any good come of this?" You can tell from his expression that he would not presume to forbid you to go, but it works his nerves to have you close to them, even for something like this.

Helena: "The timing is... interesting. With it all coming in the middle of whatever shit Caine is pulling. So, 'truth to it?' In terms of being a social call? Unlikely. But what am I going to say? They own our King, if not by his person, then by treaty. The princes can't be controlled from conducting whatever personal agendas they might pursue against me, but I can't ignore their King at cost to all of Chaos."

GM: "Do you believe he will meet you alone, or is this to be something done in a crowd of functionaries? I would prefer to see to your safety myself, if you would permit it, and a crowd would certainly allow such a thing. I'm sure Alma would sit for us."

Helena: "I will see what is on his mind when the invitation arrives, I suppose." I say with resignation. "Though even if it is a public meeting, do you think the ruse of Zaran would pass muster in front of Amber?"

GM: "One day, we will have to know. Why not now, while surrounded by the Lights of Chaos?" He seems eager, but not so eager that he could not be dissuaded.

Helena: I do not try to dissuade him. All these things are risks he takes by even attempting the ruse his life is now based on. I know he understands better than I what the risks and benefits are.

GM: Unfortunately for him, when the invitation comes, it is for a very private luncheon in a remote but scenic part of Thelbane, with a view of the Abyss. 'Lunch for two', it promises. Any further discussion or precaution?

Helena: "So," I put the invitation in front of Saras for him to read. "I don't suppose you have any business in or near Thelbane? If you can't come in with me, I wouldn't mind knowing you're nearby."

GM: "I hear that some of Thelbane's libraries are quite magnificent...." He smiles softly, holding his worry at bay with the thought that some proximity is better than none.

Helena: It is reassuring to me as well, and I give Saras a small bow of the head in thanks.

GM: Assuming you have resumed your lovemaking, Saras will invite you to bed to banish the chill from you both while your daughter yet sleeps. You are confident that you will not come with child again until you are done nursing, at the earliest.

Helena: I welcome that tenderness, a quiet time of complete togetherness.

GM: Avye even lets you finish before crying to be fed. Do you go to her, or have the nursemaid bring her to you?

Helena: I ask that she be brought to us in our bed.

GM: Saras helps you in small ways, hoping to be somewhat included in something that is so much between her and you.

Crown Intelligence asks (politely and formally, in writing) for an exit interview after your visit with the King of Amber.

Helena: I agree, of course, in writing.

GM: Do you attend any of the goings on - reception gala, etc. - that take place before your private meeting with Random? Despite your 'fall from grace', you are still ranked high enough in Jesby to attend without a specific invitation... not to mention your Amber status, supposedly reinstated.

Helena: I have no intention of going to any such functions unless specifically invited or unless my failure to attend would represent any embarrassment to my House.

GM: No invitations arrive, and no embarrassment for your House is implied in anything you hear or read.

How do you prepare for the occasion? Do you go in uniform, or some other attire? A simple black eyepatch, Alma's white one, or something else?

Helena: I will attend in correct dress uniform, with the simple black eyepatch.

GM: You are escorted up the visitor's spire by four of Thelbane's Honor Guard. Two open the great doors to the dining chamber for you but none go in. Within, broad, shallow stairs lead upward to a large kidney shaped table, stacked with food on arcane warmers. Above, the Abyss swirls on the horizon, bridged by the Church. Random sits at the far end, making much of staring out the window for the moment. Only his wine glass has been touched so far.

Helena: (what is Random's attire?)

GM: (tunic and tights - renaissance casual, though of the finest materials. These are his colors rather than the colors of the King of Amber. He is wearing three rings - one of regency on his right, one of marriage on his left, and a third - also on his left - that you have not seen on his hand before.)

Helena: I bow deeply and correctly until I am acknowledged, then stand and go up the risers to the level of the table. "Your Majesty." My voice is formal, but not icy.

GM: He beckons you up fairly quickly. "Princessa Helena," he replies, with a hint of dismay at the formality. "Have a seat," he offers, gesturing toward a chair at the other end of the table, but with an unobstructed view of each other from the tabletop's bent shape. "You look well."

Helena: I sit at his gesture, and when he speaks I give a neutral smile. "Thank you. I trust you are well, and your Queen."

GM: "Vialle is well. I will let her know you asked after her." He gestures toward the food, hoping you will partake. Your firm neutrality seems to be wearing on him a bit, but he is not yet rebuffed.

Helena: I nod in thanks, and take some small portions, and pour myself some of the wine. I leave the food in front of me for the moment and take up the goblet for a drink instead. "Your Majesty, if I might ask, what brings you here to Chaos, and why did you ask me to join you?"

GM: "I hoped to begin to mend fences between us, for starters. My people do not need another simmering vendetta right now. There are things I would like to discuss with you; private concerns... though I realize we have given you little reason to listen."

Helena: "I conduct no vendetta. If one is simmering, I suggest you tend your own pots." I sigh, looking away, towards the view. "It is not that I have no reason to listen. Your power is more than enough reason all by itself." I look at him sidelong. "What I do not have is any reason to speak. Please, I would be grateful of your news, your... private concerns."

GM: "Gerard has not been in touch for some time. Last word from him implied that he felt he owed you a debt, and I was wondering if he had spoken to you... since your pardon." He sighs himself. "I don't need to know his business, but I would like to know if he is well. This is not like him."

Helena: "He has not." I do have some genuine sadness for the man's fate, though no desire to be the object of any other Prince's redemption or damnation.

"Here, you want my news? Caine's business concerns pursue mine for reasons of his own. It could be vendetta, or cruelty... or some weird type of charity. Gerard and Caine may be in conflict over this. Neither has contacted me directly.

"Your Fiona despises them all, and during my captivity did something to Gerard... I believe he thinks he owes me more than he does. She told me she made him imagine he raped me, though he did not.

"Is that sufficient gossip for your tastes?" This last said with sadness, rather than the bitterness the words themselves might imply. "If it is of use to you, I could... recount the things that went on your dungeons, if you were not aware."

GM: "No... that is enough." It almost sounds like a command, though you can tell by the stricken look on his face that it was not meant as one.

He is silent a while, his wine glass dangling almost precariously from his fingers.

Then, "I will not waste your time with empty promises of justice... or even peace... but... I would have had things go differently. I should have. My father ruled alone, and I find myself envying him more with each passing dawn, sorry bastard that he was." He curls his fingers tight on his goblet once more, and empties it of wine. "Would that I could seek Gerard myself, to explain."

Helena: I sit in stunned silence a while myself, unable to believe... he is telling me of his... lonely burden.

"You've had enough of hearing what was done to me? You don't have the stomach for it? I can hardly blame you. I did not." I laugh. It hardly seems appropriate, but that's what he gets for inviting me here and then disdaining my formality. I start to stand.

"Every cup of filth they brought me instead of water, I had no stomach for. When I was shaved naked by the Crown's men so I'd be clean enough to rape, and then staked out like a whore in preparation for torture, I had no stomach for it. When the King of Amber, my uncle, knew my innocence and even in giving my pardon made no demand for reparations, I had no stomach for it.

"WHEN MY OWN MOTHER GAVE HER EYE..."

I smash my glass against the table, hardening my hand against the shards without even a thought.

"Stay another minute and I'll tell you what I do have stomach for."

GM: The doors to the room open, and the guards look in.

Random: "I am the best of a bad lot, Helena. Insufficient, perhaps, but better than any conceivable alternative. The cost of two poor Princes will not keep Amber from a second victory... and if you thought the last cut deep...."

He steps back from the table, a deliberate move to put another stride between you.

Helena: A moment ago, it was old rage... grief, really, coming out of the place it had been poisoning me. This brings something new. I am over the table, all heavy marble, knocking him back to the floor, and then astride him, pinning him down with his arms away from anything near his belt. "You want to come here and ask me a FAVOR?"

GM: Random lies on the floor, too starry eyed to fight back yet.

Helena: I hear the guards move, and I spit out, "Hold back! This worm is in no danger from me, and I would have my say while he shields himself by dangling the threat of war."

GM: The guards do indeed hold back... but they draw their weapons, wordless confirmation that they will only tolerate so much, even for a veteran of your pedigree.

Helena: "I know the story, 'Your Highness.' I know you think you are Oberon's victims as much as we are. I even believe he made you. Julian. Fiona. And Gerard. I pity Gerard. Do you understand me? I pity him. I weep for him in dreams, and I sobbed for him in my cell when Fiona threw me back there to do her vile work. If he calls, if he comes calling, HE HAS THE RIGHT TO ASK!

"Do you understand what I am saying to you, 'King' Random?"

GM: He raises up enough to wipe at his split lip. "I have not earned that right." Said with all the ferocity a man on his ass can summon.

Helena: I shake with aftereffect, but still hold him, which I will do until I can trust myself to let him go. "I am going to get up. You are going to get up. If you think of a way to help your brother, that I can help with... send me a fucking note.

"In the meantime, before you make threats of war to an ambassador of the First Realm, consider what resources you'll have a second time around, without Oberon to command, or Princes who want to lead."

GM: Quiet, perhaps contemplating the wisdom of violence... and then, "I... misspoke, Ambassador. But I will take your words back with me."

Helena: "I am... indescribably sorry. For all of us." I hold still a moment longer, and then nod ready? to him.

GM: He nods in return... waits for you to dismount.

Helena: I push off of him, careful not to hurt him at all further, and back all the way against the table, my hands up where the guards can see them.

GM: Random rises. He stands within your reach, purposefully. "I need you to hit me again. I need these men to witness that I asked it of you." You have no idea what he is after. His face is a blank.

Helena: I hit him without hesitation, exactly where it would split his lip the way it is alreadly split.

Only a little too hard. a very little.

GM: A few drops of blood on the fine tablecloth. Random comes back smiling, though you think you loosened a tooth. "Thank you for one good night's sleep, Princessa." He reaches for his Trump deck. "By your leave?"

Helena: "Oh Serpent. Please. Go. Uncle."

GM: He nods. "Tell Merlin it's been a pleasure." A moment's concentration, and he is gone. The guards look a little perplexed.

Helena: I sit on the table and breathe, trying to come down.

GM: One of the guards approaches, slowly sheathing his sword.

Uncomfortable flashback from the cold edge of the table against your hindquarters.

Helena: I shove that down with a snarl before the man gets to me.

GM: He stops. "Ma'am?"

Helena: I look up from under knitted brows to him, tension and relief warring to skew my smile. "It's... okay. Thank you." I put a hand on his arm. "Really, thank you."

GM: "I don't know whether I should arrest you or shake your hand." His comrades put their blades up, influencing his decision. He smiles a bit.

Helena: "How about we shake now, and if he wants to press charges later, you can arrest me, too?"

GM: He extends his hand. "Yes ma'am."

Helena: I shake it. "What's your name..." checking his insignia for rank.

GM: Warrant Officer. "Kimblink, ma'am."

Helena: "I think... I'm going to finish this wine. Any of you want anything...?" I motion to the spread.

GM: Kimblink gestures to the least senior man, wordlessly ordering him out to report this, and then says, "Thank you, ma'am, but I'll have enough to explain as it is."

Helena: "Yeah, I thought you'd say that. I don't want to keep you, then. If you could escort me back?"

GM: "We should wait for the Ambassador of the Watch, ma'am, before we leave the scene."

Helena: I look a little uncomfortable, but it is probably true. "Can I ask what you plan to ... report?"

GM: "That the King of Amber was in the mood for a friendly fistfight, and you gave him one." He tries not to smirk, but fails.

Helena: I cover my own smirk with a hand to my mouth and look down. "Whatever you need from me to make your job easier."

GM: "Well... aside from the wine stain on your sleeve and the cake on your knee, you don't look like you were in much of a fight."

Helena: "It looks like it was good cake."

GM: "Pity." You hear approaching boots and slippered feet.

Helena: I wait for the guard to take charge before getting up myself.

GM: A man in the unpleasant robes of a senior diplomat swishes in behind the guard that went to fetch him. "What in the Serpent's Eye had happened here?!?"

Kimblink offers you a hand up. "A strange Amber custom, it seems. They punch each other goodbye."

Helena: I look away out the window so as not to laugh.

GM: A slightly heated exchange follows, and Kimblink tells the story much as it happened, with a great deal of emphasis on Random asking you to punch him again because the first was insufficient.

Helena: I say absolutely nothing, standing at basically a parade rest the whole time. Cake and all.

GM: The duty ambassador fumes a while... paces madly a bit... then, "Lady Helena, I believe you have an appointment with Crown Intelligence. I hope they enjoy your tale as much as these men
apparently did."

Helena: "I do hope so."

GM: He waves you out vigorously, as if you could not be more dismissed.

Helena: I can't believe I said that. I go where he directs me.

GM: The Crown office is a long ways from here. Kimblink and one other escort you there. Minimal smirking.

Helena: It gives me time to get my act together, brush off my uniform. Unpin and repin my hair, if they'll give me a moment.

GM: If you ask, they let you. One offers a handkerchief to take off the last of the cake.

Helena: I thank him, and use it. Then nod that I'm ready to proceed.

GM: They take you the last of the way... stop outside the office, their duty discharged. "Nice right hand, ma'am. Have a good evening."

Helena: I smile at them. The banter is a familiar comfort.

I knock on the door.

GM: The door snaps open on its own. "Debriefing?" the desk demon barks.

Helena: "Yes."

GM: Another door snaps open down the hall.

Helena: I go on down.

GM: Several well dressed men in demon-form waiting for you. "Lady Helena." The smallest pulls out a chair for you.

Helena: I nod thanks to him, and take a seat.

GM: The largest asks, "How did it go? Surface impressions."

Helena: "The King wished to play on my familial connection to him, folding an apology into a future favor. He was distressed I intended to play the meeting formal."

GM: "Was the favor something against the First Realm's interest?" Middle demon taking notes

Helena: "No. Though what future favors may have been, who knows."

GM: "Your impression of the close? Did the Amberite leave sated?"

Helena: he was on his ass, if that's what you mean. "I don't think he felt he had accomplished any of his future diplomatic goals, but he did seem satisfied to have at least come to an understanding of... how far his family tie could take him with me.

"He made no comments regarding his separate discussions with King Merlin or others here."

GM: "Do you think you could manipulate his future interest for intelligence gains?"

Helena: "I'm not certain. It is my impression that many of the movers and shakers in Amber keep their business separate from that of their fellows, and thus while I might gain intelligence about the King himself, it might not apply well to the wider powers in Amber."

GM: "Noted. Anything else to add?"

Helena: "He's afraid of being opposed by any of his siblings. He will do much to avoid being put in the position of opposing them." ...and he has a very small dick...

GM: The small agent asks, "Is the brawling typical of them, or him?"

Helena: I laugh suddenly. "Uh, sorry. The fight? Sort of. I can't say it's one of the family traditions I'd been previously inducted into."

GM: "Did you let him win... or would that be... impolitic?"

Helena: "I would say it is a family thing and not a recommended strategy, if that's what you're getting at."

GM: "Noted." The large one closes the interview with, "Thank you, Lady Helena."

Helena: I nod. "Certainly."

GM: The middle one gestures you out, and the door opens for you.

Helena: Out I go. Still struggling not to laugh more.

GM: Straight home?

Helena: I presume finding Zaran would be inappropriate?

GM: Challenging, given the size of the Royal Library, unless you Trump him. Not inappropriate, so long as you get a bit away from Crown Intelligence first.

Helena: ... was our arrangement to meet back home? I would do whatever we arranged. Trump him or meet him back home.

GM: He would have planned to meet you at home if nothing went wrong. Your decision if the day's events qualify.

Helena: I meet him at home.

GM: Since you did not contact him, Saras is fairly relaxed when you come home, feeding Ayva from a translucent pink conjured vessel in the shape of your breast. The smallest spark of concern crosses behind his eyes to see the stains on your uniform, but he keeps his voice very calm while cradling your daughter. "How did it go?" he asks, his voice pitched to soothe a baby.

Helena: I consider a long while. "He wanted to know what I knew about some of his family. Unfortunately of course everything I knew about them was from my experiences during imprisonment, and... he didn't have the stomach for that information.

"I apparently didn't hit him hard enough the first time, so he asked for a second."

GM: "And the debriefing?" just hushed now, rather than sing-song. He's smirking, since it can't be too bad if you came home unattended, but not letting himself smile until he hears it all. You hear Alma in the bedroom, changing one of the twins, you think.

Helena: "I think I kept them from the mistaken impression that all meetings with the Second Realm should traditionally finish with knocking their teeth out."

GM: "Too bad about that... but I suppose the clarification is for the best."

Helena: "Alma's here... I'm going to say hi to her and take a shower. Are you around after?"

GM: "Most certainly. No injury reports from the mine to file, so as long as the manager doesn't delegate any tasks to me, my day is yours, {beloved}." Broad smile.

Alma has just finished diapering Frey when you go into the bedroom, borrowing your changing table. She smiles sweetly. "How was your day, Helena? Should I let Father know we'll be late?"

Helena: "The day was... interesting. I tried very hard to get arrested, but apparently the comedy value of making the King of Amber wear his wine overcame any sense the guards may have had."

GM: "That does sound interesting. It is a good thing you are so fair and charming, to get away with such things." Any worry she puts aside.

Helena: I give her a quick squeeze around the shoulders, and kisses to the twins. "But it did bring up some things... that I had hoped never to have to bring up. And Saras and I should have some time to discuss them. Maybe we can get together tomorrow morning for breakfast before I go back to the mine site?"

GM: "That would be fine, Helena. Do you want me to sit Avye at my Ways tonight, so you can speak uninterrupted?"

Helena: I kiss her, smiling. "That would be very helpful, Mother. I would be grateful."

GM: "Gladly," she answers, kissing your cheeks in return. "I'll pack her a few things, and we'll be off." Huge grandma smile, despite the youth of her features, and soon she and the nursemaid imps are filing down the path with the little ones well in hand.

Helena: After showering I head out to see if I can help with dinner. Working in companionable silence, bumping into each other in the small kitchen area... bringing my heart back to center after its displacement of earlier.

GM: The heart of dinner is done, but Saras offers you the salad to cut and toss, and he does gladly pal around during the task, washing vegetables for you and such. He might sense your tension, and feel your slow return to center, but does not comment, leaving it to your own pace.

Helena: I finally say, "There is a conversation we have not had since I got back, about what happened to me while I was... gone. I have avoided it, to spare myself. I found out today that it is this thing that I have not shared that is... poisoning me. It makes me feel I am often alone, when my sensible mind knows that is not the case."

GM: He takes your hand, but doesn't say anything, trying to banish some fraction of your aloneness, even though perhaps he already knows that only the admission will truly spare you.

Helena: My smile interrupts me a moment, and I catch his eyes so that he hears me well. Brandishing our linked hands, I say, "This is why I know I am not alone." I nod to him, affirming my words, and then continue.

"I tried so often to ask about the details of what happened here, what was known and unknown. But all I got back were generalities -- partly because there apparently were no details, and partly because people didn't want to 'hurt' me by mentioning anything. But even knowing more of what went on here would not cure the fundamental problem: that I have kept for myself something so... big.

"I so do not want to hurt you with this. I do not want to hurt myself. But... it's talk it through or drift away, and that is much much worse."

GM: "Do you want to sit a while? I will hear you out, no matter what."

Helena: "Let us eat, and then we can sit together, out by the pond?"

GM: He moves your dinner out to the porch for your meal, holding down his anticipation as best he can. The meal is quieter than usual. Afterward, the dishes are left for later, and he walks you toward the pond, a stoppered carafe of gentle wine in his other hand, if need be.

Helena: And so I sit, leaning against him but facing the water and the innocent water birds, and tell him about Amber. I am open to his interruptions; I want him to dig into the story where he must, but I intend to tell it all...

The dogs taking me, and waking up to Gerard's rage, and my sentencing and blinding. And what came next. The days and my perception of days. My request to the King, and his reply brought by the Queen. My constant fear that in failing to kill Julian I had failed the House, and my preparations -- knowing them inadequate -- to resist him not if, but when he decided to come get the information I had if he didn't already have it.

GM: Saras gently commends your stoicism in the face of your blinding. "I lost an eye only once, and had it not been a duel to first blood, I would have died, and been glad to be gone."

Helena: Being brought adequate water and food just once, and realizing from it that the metabolism of my shapeshifting body would eventually eat me away... perhaps sooner rather than later.

GM: Just a small squeeze of your hand here, remembering your state at your homecoming.

Helena: Caine telling me Julian was healing... and taking measures that I would not do the same.

GM: Saras digs deep here, asking for each detail, and details of details. Now that the story is open, he can move to more than observation to attack your remaining 'scar' from that time one day.

Helena: Deciding between Gerard and Caine on almost no intelligence at all, and then... being prepared for him by the guards; guards that seemed like castle guards, so that I knew Random's ignorance was willful, if not a lie. And then, even dreading what they prepared me for, still not knowing if I had made the right decision.

GM: "You kept your wits and made use of what you had," he commends.

Helena: And Gerard. And the table. Sailing so close to the edge of two horrors there, to reach one possible light. And almost reaching it. And.

GM: He can say nothing here. His heart squirms in his chest to hear you tell it, but he will not turn away. But... he has no words.

Helena: Your death. The first and foremost of many promised, that would use me as their instrument. Over and over and over. That I did not see you. That I did not feel it or know it except that this monster brought it to me. That I left you and took nothing of yours because we were waiting to be safe.

GM: He tries to assure you that all the choices were right ones... not to defend his role in making them, but to put it to rest for you. "We are out the other side, and our daughter is healthy and perfect and beautiful."

Helena: I was done, then. It was let me go or kill me. I meant it. I thought he would let me go, but if he hadn't...

He tried, but Fiona interfered. How powerful she was. How much her madness and Julian's controlled that power and consumed her sanity. And how I was given a ... knife for when Julian came. How I found out that most of what Julian was came from his interactions with her; what he tried to do to her, and how she took her revenge over years in a way that used both Alma and me. And what she did to Gerard... I don't know why that seemed so awful in the face of everything else, but it did. And how my inner Helena knew I was still in the prison, even though Fiona made me try to think I was not.

GM: Regarding Gerard, it takes Saras much longer to find any pity, but at last he can at least offer, "It can be easier to endure torture than to observe it."

Helena: When she threw me back, and I had nothing to live for except maybe killing the man who endangered us, I still felt hurt for Gerard.

GM: Some expression of profound admiration for your compassion.

Helena: How I prepared for Julian. How I set up my... inner space. How the days passed while I starved and plotted, and thought mad thoughts about how you might be alive, but I knew you weren't. How I prepared to remind him of what I needed to know, if that meant fighting him or seducing him or being... what he wanted me to be, so that I could release what I needed to kill him.

And then Julian himself. Word for word, moment for moment. Him so close; his mind so broken, drifting from sentence to sentence between raping me and hurting me and killing me and loving me. What I said to him. What he said to me. What he told me with the knife he held at my throat.

GM: "It is good that it is done. Were it not such a dark thing, I would commend your skill in it."

Helena: Benedict's arrival, and what King Random did and did not say...

GM: "Benedict rose that morning, whole and ready. He put me in your Ways and told me to wait for you, that he was bringing you home, and that I was to care for you; as if he had to ask. I was thankful to have time to prepare, time to weep in my relief... and then still more waiting, which was so much harder to be thankful for." Saras expresses only the smallest dismay at Random's behavior, perhaps expecting no better from the men of that realm... even kings.

Helena: It is time for me to hold his hands, then, because that moment was so much greater than I can encompass in words or actions. That my heart had been right and my mind had been wrong. "I feel I have spent a year being less than who I am, even with you, because I did not want you to think... because I did not want to think that what happened was part of me. But it was. It is.

GM: "It has marked us both... more deeply than either of us were able to admit."

Helena: "Anything you must say, anything you want from me, you know you must tell me?"

GM: "I will not be willing to trust your Amber relations for a long time, if ever... but perhaps that is mere prudence. As for the rest, the worst is open and ready to heal, no longer losing blood. Small things are all that remain, at least that I can think of."

Helena: "I... Yes, thank you. I hope to never be required to trust them.

GM: He pauses, glancing away while he thinks, and then asks, "What would you have me do with the bracelets from your proposal to me? I have thought of putting them into a display, or remaking them into something else, or even destroying them so that they would not raise a sigh from me each time I rediscover them, but... I have never followed through, not knowing what they might mean to you now."

Helena: I blink, smiling at the memory, laughing a little at Hoss's commentary which comes back clear in my mind's ear. "Um... I had no idea you had kept them. I don't know.... Why do they make you sad?"

GM: "You were great sport that night, but now... I fear you have darker memories to contend with. That game feels denied us."

Helena: I smile in puzzlement and then realize. "Oh. I hadn't actually thought.... Oh." My face clouds. "I don't know," I whisper, honestly.

GM: Saras smiles just enough to let you know that it is all right. "If you wish, one night, say the word. If that night never comes, so be it. I would never have you fear a night with me, no matter what."

Helena: "I don't know." I frown at the repetition. "What I remember now is... enjoying you so completely, and being so alive with you, and what it led to." I splay out my fingers so the ring shows. "If you can stand me changing my mind, I can be up for... playing that way again. It would not be you I would fear; I know that."

GM: He takes your displayed hand in his, turning the ring to catch the light. "Perhaps, when we return, we may roll our duel into our lovemaking. I will halt if you need; I know you trust that."

Helena: "I do. I trust you completely." I kiss him long and slow, with promises for later.

"So, I'm through it. We are all through it, and I am grateful to you for that -- just like I know you will say you are grateful to me." I smile up at him through the ruin of my emotions. "I need to know that when you look at me you know who I am."

GM: "I will always try to see you as you are, {beloved}, even as I hope that these marks on your soul become more and more who you were as the days fall behind us and the future stretches before us."

Helena: I can only nod.