04 - Announcements
7/4/2007

GM: When you awaken the morning you intend to meet your parents (only ten pounds shy of your optimal weight, and feeling very fit) you feel a brightness inside you - not Trump, just a sense of completeness and contentment. There is a whisper from deeper inside, from the Saras Helena construct. She asks, Do you want to know? her joy like a radiant smile.

Helena: I guess immediately, and begin smiling inwardly myself, but then open myself to share her happiness.

(Though does it surprise me that I did not control it? I had thought that was how things worked in Chaos? Or do you not control it until after the fertilization(s)?)

GM: (Not a surprise - you would expect to notice a fertilized egg within a week, and then could store it for later (an all-day ritual, from what you've heard), absorb it (termination takes less than an hour, or just a minute or two if you don't care about side-effects), or let it be carried to term. You could also have set yourself to prevent or encourage fertilization, though you didn't - beyond whatever the dial does. Sometime early in the second trimester, you could figure out the sex of your child, but it takes a few minutes of navel gazing - pun intended - and you could choose not to 'look' just as easily if you wanted to be surprised. The general school of thought in Chaos - at least among Noble circles - is to announce gender early for the sake of proper gifts from well wishers, setting up arranged marriages, and settling issues of succession. *eg*)

The construct is overjoyed as she can be, having 'fulfilled her primary purpose' with your help. The {seedling} is developing symmetrically and has properly implanted. I can tell you if it is a boy or girl now, or you can figure it out for yourself later.

Helena: Do tell me...

GM: A girl. I think she will have her father's hair, but your skin. The rest will take time to tell.

Helena: I am filled with loving thoughts...

GM: Saras is still asleep. He worked several hours before turning in to ensure that everything was laid out in preparation for your trip to their ways, including conjuring a handful of things he thought you might need, so he wasn't planning on getting up until later. You're meeting Loren and Alma after lunch, and staying for dinner, if all goes to plan.

Helena: I will wait until an hour before we have to go, leaning into him and just being happy. If he is not up by then, I will gently wake him.

GM: He stirs before that, looking and seeing you so bright, you imagine. "Helena?" pleased but wondering from whence this mood came.

Helena: "We have a daughter," I whisper, and hold my love's arms around me.

GM: "True to your word, so soon." A gentle kiss. "You bless me, Helena." Quoting a line from a traditional love poem, "{I fear for nothing, for I have tasted her strength, and it bore me far.}"

Gently, only slightly teasing, "How much babying do you plan to tolerate while we await her arrival?" Another kiss to help the question go down.

Helena: "Do not forget, this is your blessing to me as well. You are my joy. Our family will be the joy we share."

"If babying me distracts you so that I can best you on the fencing strip, please do. Or if it inspires you to backrubs... breakfasts... further expressions of your adoration... well, any of those might be allowed." I grin at him.

"Now, we should get ready. I would like a small lunch before we go... or perhaps a large lunch," I muse...

GM: After having gone two days without it, he makes what he presumes is your favorite lamb dish. For drinks, something light and fruity, but purposeful: a hint of relaxing fermentation, and a complex song of trace minerals that you body half sings for to make your daughter strong and vital. A toast; "To our daughter: May all our arguments over names and schools and suitors be ended with heartfelt and passionate attempts at siblings."

Helena: I drink to that, laughing. "That is the best toast I believe I have ever heard proposed."

After lunch I step through a light outline of my shifting work while Saras gets ready. (Now that I have a handle on my shifting, can I grow back my hair?)

GM: With your level of talent, you could reach any reasonable length in a minute or two. You might take three to ensure its luster, and to make sure it doesn't end up partly in 'her' color rather than all yours.

Helena: I have Saras vet what I have done, and put it up.

GM: He lightly runs his hands through, purring his approval. When you have it up, he makes light contact with your mind to let you see for yourself through his eyes that it is well done.

Helena: Then I dress -- I have him pull me down a nice evening outfit that will fit okay now that I'm closer to my healthy size and not display what still lacks. Wrap around with a deep v and long waist; many layers, blue-black over purple over red, each layer edged in low-luster gold.

GM: When it is time to go, you discover that Saras has procured a riding demon for you for this short trip.

Helena: "I allow you this indulgence once, <beloved husband>, but remember I must stay strong for two, not just rest and eat for two."

GM: "In a few days," (and you sense that he amends from 'a week or two' at the last instant), "I will trade his contract for a guide lemur. You work hard for your health every day, and I would not presume to coddle you, but I would not have you tested yet either." No apology.

Helena: I smile, pleased at the omission. This is something he puts forward as truth. "Let us go, then."

GM: The demon slithers beneath you, careful not to muss your skirts, and you begin the amble toward Loren's Ways, with Saras leading.

It is a longer trip than you would expect, or perhaps that is just a side effect of only sound and smell to mark your progress.

At last, the demon retreats from beneath you, and Saras takes you hand. "Ready, {beloved}?"

Helena: I nod. I have missed them... wanted to be with them very much.

GM: (Assuming no last moment panic ensues,) You enter the outer reception of Loren's Ways, and his seneschal is quick to admit you along a path familiar even in the dark. At last, you arrive in Loren's den, a few Curtains from the entry to Alma's Ways. Saras starts to guide you toward a seat to wait, but Loren arrives at that moment. "Helena," Loren gently calls. Drawing closer, "You look well."

Are your eyes open or closed when your father takes your hands in his?

Helena: I imagine their relaxed state is open, unless you tell me otherwise, or Saras has suggested otherwise.

GM: Saras would not presume to have you hide anything if you did not choose to, so yes, you are at ease with your eyes open.

You feel Loren's head turn toward Saras for a moment, but Saras does not offer any explanation that you can sense. Loren eases close, a light, formal hug, and then, "How are you, Helena? Truly."

Helena: I do not let the hug stay formal, holding it a moment, and then changing to a full, fierce hug, my face buried in his neck and shoulder a long moment. When I draw away there is a shudder in my breath, which I control before speaking. "I am... well. I am better than I imagined I could be only five days ago." And because I almost cannot bear to wait, I ask, "Where is Mother?"

GM: He struggles to be stoic. "She is well. She waits, deeper, for me to take you to her." He couches your arm under his. "Let me lead you."

Helena: I put my arm in his properly, and kiss him on the side of the cheek. With my other hand I reach out for Saras's hand to hold a moment and release.

GM: Saras gives your hand a reassuring squeeze and then falls in behind you and Loren, reasonably comfortably. As you get close to your destination, Loren whispers, "If it will not discomfort you, close your eyes at first. Let her embrace you before she sees."

Helena: "So I can shock her that much more?" I frown. "If you think it best." I close my eyes and let him lead me.

GM: "So she can touch you and know that you are well before she concerns herself so much with details, my beloved daughter. A hint of silver will matter not at all once you have been in her arms." He kisses your cheek, sorry to have made you cross, and does not argue further.

Two more transitions, and suddenly Alma is moving toward you, a hint of waddling in the sound of her gait. Gentle hands reach you just before her belly, and then you are pulled from Loren into a fierce, loving hug. "Oh, Helena," she sobs, holding you tight.

Helena: Though for all but a few meetings in our lives I have had to play the role of caretaker to her, it seems so natural to release myself to her, echoing her love and allowing myself a few sobs of my own. Somehow we have kept our love bright between us in all that time.

I let my arm slide half down her belly, and, laughing and crying at once pull her back to me another moment. "It seems you are all doing well." I sniffle, smiling.

GM: A small kick from her belly. "We've all missed you so," Alma explains, reaching for some composure. Her hands find your face, very gently, and you can feel her wondering how badly you must be hurt to have dry eyes. She pulls back on the questions as best she can. "It is good to have you home."

Helena: "I know you know... how good it is to be here. To be with Saras again," I turn my face towards him, but back to her right away. "My <beloved> has been so good to me."

GM: Saras touches you gently, so you know that he has heard, but he neither brags nor denies before your parents. Alma must be smiling at him. "My good friend is going to be a good husband, I think."

Helena: "He is."

GM: Alma kisses your cheek. She leads you toward a very comfortable couch, and sits beside you, neatly boxing out the men.

"What can we get you?" they ask together serendipitous rather than rehearsed

Helena: I smile, especially towards Saras as he has heard this a hundred times. "Water, please."

GM: Alma moves such that you think she waves them both off. The water arrives, and you hear Saras and Loren sit nearby.

Helena: Without the visual cue, I don't know if I am shortcutting Saras, so I ask more hesitantly than I'd meant to, "We hoped to register our vows with you, Father."

GM: "I am willing," he replies, testing. Alma whispers, "There must be a Judge we could trust, so you could stand beside her instead of before her, dear."

Helena: I lower my head a little, shy of this. "We wanted to give them to you, Sir."

GM: Alma pauses, then pats your leg. "Of course, Helena. I'm sorry to meddle."

Helena: "Did you have some idea, Mother?"

GM: "I thought about renewing our vows when you took yours... but we don't have to." She takes your hand, gently

Helena: "I hadn't thought... that would be lovely, too."

GM: "I've had my day, so it would be up to you... with some ignorable suggestions from Saras, of course," she teases.

"Of course," Saras replies.

Loren chuckles. "She's teasing, old man."

Saras must merely nod in reply to that

Helena: I smile at them all, a little bewildered, but happy enough. "You don't understand... it is difficult to imagine what would be... _more_ than what we have. If we can add to your happiness, share in your happiness in some way, I am completely agreeable."

GM: "I know a man," Loren admits, and Alma claps her thigh with her free hand, the other suddenly hugging you.

Helena: I have to grin at her infectious mood.

GM: "It is good to see you smile, my beautiful daughter." This from Loren

Helena: "I am happy," I reply simply. "Saras is fathering a daughter in me."

GM: More hugging, plus some happy squealing. Loren claps, then pats Saras on the back loud enough to hear. "Good to see you're still so patient, old man."

Helena: "I have tested his patience many times." I interject. "I hope he is getting used to it."

GM: Alma giggles. Saras, answering the surface meaning for Loren's benefit, "She is not such a trial, friends." Then, perhaps for the joy of hearing Alma laugh, "Regardless, it is a test I enjoy passing, as often as I can."

Loren clears his throat, "Can I talk to you a moment, Saras? Let our ladies catch up at their own pace?" (Unless you object,) They rise, father and husband each making a point of touching you gently on their way out of the room.

Helena: In spite of the happy occasion, their departure together does make me slightly nervous, but I put that out of my mind to be fully here with Alma. "Tell me how my brother and sister are. And you. And everything. I am hungry for news."

GM: "Your siblings are running out of room to kick, which leaves me relieved and sad in equal measure. We will settle into just getting big and strong and ready soon. I miss going out, but I am never alone, so it is not so bad. And I have you back...." She sniffs softly, not giving in to more tears. "I am strong, Helena. There are still voices, now and then, but they are small ones."

A little laughter, and then, "I am disappointed that our Jorgumanders will not make the championship round... but at least I will not have to miss them in the playoffs." Some thought, perhaps, and then, "I have tried to take up an instrument... something I have always wanted to do. Your father can attest to my lack of success, but he has been kind and patient... though I think his ears are shrinking from my efforts. I am on my third instrument." She chuckles. "At least my knitting and weaving are competent once more. Do you want to... see...?" She stumbles gently over her poor word choice, but does not break down. "I think the stitch-work is smooth enough for your coming siblings."

Helena: I nod, smiling, sorry that I won't actually see it of course, but not at all put out by her choice of words. "I would be so happy to see them, yes."

GM: After rising slowly and waddling away and back, Alma fills your hands and your lap with intricate feeling bootees and caps and mittens and swaddles.

Helena: I admire their texture and the evenness of the weave. I know I will be asking her for things for my own daughter, even though I know she will be plenty busy with her two.

GM: Halfway through describing each one to you, she pauses to ask, "Are you more comfortable with your eyes shut tight, or did your Father tell you something foolish to 'protect' me?"

Helena: "Of course he did, Mother. But it is actually in some ways less... comfortable? to leave them open, as the metal orbs they put in emulate the correct feel well enough that I keep expecting to be able to see when I open my eyes. I can show you if you would rather see them."

GM: "Let me see, that I can put my imaginings at ease."

Helena: I open my eyes.

GM: "All right. It is not so horrible. Thank you, Helena." She kisses your cheek. "Our Saras has not seen fit to remove them yet?"

Helena: "He has tried, I'm afraid. My captors were concerned that I would heal or shift away my blindness, and so I gather they... empowered these somehow. Something of both sorcery and Trump that we are still investigating." I speak matter-of-factly. We just don't know all the facts, yet.

GM: "I... I know it sounds a little daft... but maybe I can help, once Frey and Freya are here. I believe our Saras will have a solution before that, but if not... I would try."

Helena: "I would be happy for any help you can offer, of course -- once it is safer for you to do so."

Alma: "Then I will." She kisses your forehead. "Thank you, Helena."

Helena: "Other than... the obvious," I grin, "how are you doing, physically?"

Alma: "Very good. Can you feel how soft my hair is?"

Helena: I do, pleased. I sit in pleasant silence for a time, just leaning against her.

Alma: Her hands touch your belly, very gentle.

Helena: I close my eyes again, smiling.

Alma: A communion, not an exam. She cries again, but not in sorrow.

Helena: "Can you tell me," I ask it without moving from our half-embrace, "what... was the news like here in Jesby andin Chaos? I asked Saras, but he claims he was mostly in seclusion and doesn't know."

Alma: "It was... very quiet. News only came in small bits. King Merlin forbade retaliation or intervention; that was a bitter pill." She can't help focusing on the news that had been her focus.

Helena: I swallow, not really wanting to break the mood with this, but wanting to know more. "And Saras? His... the funeral?"

Alma: "I went. I cried on your behalf... and my own."

Helena: I realize suddenly it would appear he tried to break the King's word. "Was it known how ... that happened?"

Alma: "They told me age and loss, and that was when I knew he lived. I played my part, but... I knew."

Helena: "What since? I have had no communications from, well, any sources really, since my release."

Alma: "No war councils called. We held our breaths for a while, and then found ourselves at peace. It was hard, my daughter among enemies I knew bitterly, and my best friend in the hands of I knew not what." She breathes steady, passes through the memory of pain, shining out the other side. "Loren was a rock. He knew you would return. Of Saras, he offered only condolence, not hearing my theories, but you... your father never doubted when it came to you."

Helena: I hug her again, tightly. "Has my pardon been announced here?"

Alma: "Our House announced two days after your release... too quietly for my taste. Someone fears something."

Helena: "No word from King Merlin, then."

Alma: "None. He has said more of flitter fortunes and House Stock prices than of your sacrifice."

Helena: "Perhaps they fear our people's reaction, when they see what little Amber has done to redress their ... error." I do allow myself a small bitterness.

Alma: "Poor excuse." A hug there.

Helena: "Perhaps, but a legitimate one. Have you read the treaties? Our standing in them is quite unbalanced."

Alma: "I have not, but I will soon."

Helena: "Not that the losing side dictates policy, I understand."

Alma: "Are we at risk again, even now?"

Helena: "Any time we interact with them, practically, we are at the whim of the princes' individual good natures. In their law even imagined slights against them are crimes."

Alma: "Risk, indeed." You can only imagine her eye roll at the thought of their 'good natures'

Helena: "They did not announce anything about... the Prince General, then?" She knows which one I mean. "Or my 'crime' specifically? What of that?"

Alma: "Sawall annouced a break of certain Arden agreements, to be renegotiated when their mission was arranged. Little else... certainly no word of you."

Helena: "Then you don't know?"

Alma: "Know what?"

Helena: I hold both her hands, not knowing which way this news will send her. "He is dead."

Alma: She leans in carefully, and kisses you on the lips; a strange thank you, but you sense that is what it is. No words.

Helena: None are required. I sit with my head down a good long while. "Everything... was engineered by others so that at some point in some place he would have to die. I was only an instrument that lay at hand."

Alma: "It was kind of him to give you that release."

Helena: "By the time it came his pain was constant. In no measure to yours, or mine, but constant, with no other end coming."

Alma: "He... he promised me his life one day," and you aren't sure what she's remembering.

Helena: "The short happiness you gave him saved my life, and helped him at the end."

Alma: Very softly, "He can have that."

Helena: "If you ever need to know..." I don't know what else to say. "Perhaps I could have more water?" I finally ask.

***

Scene with Saras…

GM: So, he's nibbling on your neck....

Helena: Lovely way to wake up... His torso, long against my shorter back...

GM: Hands roaming, reaching a ways to find your peaks....

Helena: I start to flush, wanting to stay half-asleep to enjoy this. ..loving the feeling of him hardening against me, knowing what he wants and where that can lead...

GM: Gentle motion, back and forth against your hindquarters, letting you wake up, even though he's fully... awake now.

Helena: I smile into a cat-like stretch against his hands.

GM: thimble points peek between his stroking fingers.

Helena: I tip my head sideways at last, reaching for his kiss.

GM: Gentle brush against your lips, then more. He begins to nudge your knee on the upper leg, asking for an angle.

Helena: I tilt partly forwards away from him, giving him space to roll between my legs from the back... or pull me back around to face him.

GM: Little lean forward, pressing (those) breasts up, Saras easing into position.

Helena: I freeze, lifting my head suddenly enough to almost bump his. "Uh... whoa. Sorry. Whoa." My heart is pounding with the fear rush over the top of my awakening glow.

GM: Little -whack- against his chin. "What, love?" he purrs, shaking it off.

Helena: "I've got to..." what? "hang on, okay?" I work the shift, being careful of our daughter... I breathe more evenly when I feel myself to be... myself again.

GM: Saras backs up... mood broken. He's almost out of the bed already

Helena: "Please, come back to bed."

GM: "What was that about, Helena? What did I do?"

Helena: "Love, you didn't do anything... nothing wrong. It was... I just forgot myself for a moment. It scared me."

GM: "I was hoping we could forget ourselves. Isn't that half the point?"

Helena: "It is hard to forget when your entire body is not your own. When you have been reshaped to something else."

GM: "It is still you, {beloved}."

Helena: "But it feels like someone else. It would be like..." I search for some example that it would be like for him, and fail. "It is like I want to feel you making love to me, and this thing screams in my ear how it used me and left me scarred just when I am trying to listen to what you are doing to my body.

"It interrupts. I'm sorry, but it interrupts."

GM: "I will... be more careful." Any further argument he swallows.

Helena: "Shit." I roll onto my back, one arm behind my head. "Do you understand, or are you just choking it down?"

GM: "I understand enough, and I do not wish to argue what little I might."

Helena: "What argument have you? Because I would rather know than have you unhappy."

GM: "I... no. Not if you feel this way about that shape."

Helena: I consider a while, if I could just... make myself feel differently. It makes me a bit sad. I feel how I feel, but there is something else. I smile, allowing that regret to be in the smile. "Come here, <beloved husband>. I do have something for us instead of the reminder of my ... damage."

GM: You feel him turn, to see what you are asking... what you are offering.

Helena: I concentrate first on creating a protected space for our baby, and then I pull Saras towards me, to kiss him first, my arms wrapping around him.

GM: You can isolate her within you - give her hours of autonomy while you writhe around her.

He comes to you, forgetting his hurt as fast as he can

Helena: Tiny threads of chemical awareness sink into him, and I start moving in perfect response to his arousal.

GM: You link up, his eyes go wide

Helena: I take him inside me, though he is still not full, splitting and feeding back to him the nerve impulses around his entry, around his pressure against me. At the same time I go cool and smooth, strong, almost entirely muscle, working myself against him.

GM: He snaps to attention under such conditions, not so much embracing you with his arms as holding on for dear life

Helena: The motion his hips seek I match in perfect time.

GM: He struggles to make some small changes, to chase this whirlwind of the senses.

Helena: I let the chase lead him on, almost frustrating, always building but not getting closer to release.

GM: (shapeshifter's french tickler) That's the best he can answer. Soon even that is more than he can concentrate on.

Helena: I smile then, when he is no longer able to try, and then I whisper, "if you want me to let you finish, you have to ask." Then a few minutes where I am sure I have made him unable to speak, or barely breathe..

I let myself release, without letting him.

GM: He 'fights' longer than you thought he might, not one to back down from a challenge, but finally must beg for release.

Helena: And then I take him, glorious, his name coming from my lips in exclamation.

GM: *gasping* still begging, in a way

Helena: Small movements and minute nervous releases keep him aware of the possibility that should be impossible after what he has had, but not pushing or forcing, just giving him the chance to decide.

GM: He considers how much longer this will be an option, with your daughter growing more demanding each day, and then whispers, "Yes, let us forget what we can." Strong kiss.

Helena: I give him back enough that he can take control this time. It is a subtle handover, signalled complete when he starts to change position with me and I go with him like a part of his own body.

GM: His body is learning, and you feel some connections being forged the other way, backed up with Saras' magic.

Helena: I accept them hunger for them, even, ready to be moved.

GM: Your senses become an extension of his will. Music sings along your nerves... thrumming like whalesong, sweet like the mythical Sirens. A touch on your fingers like a penetration, a penetration like a symphony

Helena: Love. is. so. good... This I am lost in.

GM: He does not take you to a crecendo, but instead weaves like a harmony with near infinite singers.

Helena: I make no effort to do anything but be a part of this thing we are creating... he is creating.

GM: He carries the song out as long as he can, but eventually, his concentration can no longer hold. Gently, he lets you down... after perhaps a half hour long orgasm.

Helena: I have the craziest desire to simply disappear in him, but instead I let him let me go, savoring the cooling spots on my skin where our sweat rises off me.

GM: "I cannot...." A few breaths. Finally, "Amazing."

Helena: I half turn and put my fingers against his lips, shushing him, my face painted with a satisfied lover's smile. I fall asleep almost instantly.

GM: The only perhaps discordant note is waking up alone, though neatly tucked in.

Helena: I can hardly move for the sweet ache. I stretch and then lie there another ten minutes, dozing. Finally I get up carefully, pull on a robe, and pad out towards the bathroom.

GM: You find Saras in the tub, soaking. "Good morning, {beloved}."

Helena: I kneel by him, letting my fingers trail in the water, kissing water from his shoulder. "Is it still morning after all that?"

GM: He tells you the Turning. It is the next day.

Helena: I grin. "Oh. Dear. I am sure I have missed a vital... appointment."

GM: "Perhaps a raincheck," he whispers, dribbling water on you from his hand.

Helena: "Mm. Your daughter says you have to be out in ten minutes 'cause it's our turn to hog the bathroom"

GM: "Has this tub shrunk so much?"

Helena: I grin. I shrug off the robe and roll myself carefully over the rim into his lap, my back against his chest, and ease down into the water.

***

Helena: Holding my own form is getting increasingly exhausting... and the news from Father's contacts is unhelpful. Blatantly hopeless, in fact. I have no idea what Saras thinks. He hasn't spoken other than to reassure me. I sit in one of the chairs over the small platform deck over the pond, facing the setting sun to feel the directional warmth of it.

GM: There is a soft -clink- on the table, as Saras puts down a small statuette. When you can be persuaded to touch, you recognize yourself and Alma rendered there. Alma sits in all her pregnant glory, like some fertility goddess turned buddha, and you stand behind her, exuding support, protection... strength.

"Perhaps you do not feel it now," Saras says, "but you have done much for her since your return." A gentle kiss, then he turns the statuette, bringing another detail to light beneath your fingertips... a warmth to her figure's belly that is echoed in your rendition as well. "I made two... if you think she will like it... if you like it."

Helena: I smile, tenderly, for him and for her. I do not find I can smile for myself. "It is beautiful. I know she will be very touched by it, as I am. Thank you, {beloved}." I keep one hand upon it, rubbing the small details with my thumb. With the other I reach out for his hand.

GM: He takes your hand, lets you dwell a moment in this place in the sun. Then, "Her day is getting very close. Are you comfortable with the guide lemur, if she calls when I am away? Or would it help for you to stay with her these last weeks?" Perhaps he senses the darkness pressing in on you now.

Helena: "I would rather... I don't know. It makes sense to have the company, but I don't want to give this," I wave at myself generally, "to her, when she needs her strength. And I don't know if I want the company. It is... hard work sometimes."

GM: "If you need your alone time, I'm sure she will understand you staying home. I may drive a few stakes from the porch to the transition, though, to ease your transit. My body craves labor after all that useless reading."

Helena: "That would be very useful, yes. I think I will try to visit more, but I want to stay here."

GM: He kisses you, politely and properly glad that he will have more time with you, and then sets to work. By the following evening, there is a line of poles connected by ribbon leading off toward Alma.

The lemur is indeed suitably helpful, and suitably noisy when needed. Seeing through his eyes is too taxing to be tolerated long, but letting him take your hand and lead you has been easy enough.

Helena: I like it.

GM: A breath after sitting next to you, "Zaran has his admission to the Flesh Shaper's guild, but their library has not been particularly illuminating thus far. I will keep looking."

Helena: "Yes, I imagine neither of my conditions is written up in the common literature."

GM: "My hope now is that the originator of the technique that spawned your Entity was a graduate... that he left some initial theories behind in the papers of his progress. I cannot believe the JRS would 'burn' them all. There must be some thread to follow. It just will take time to spot it and trace it back or forward to some insight we can use."

He gives your hand a gentle squeeze. "I've signed up Zaran for a course in remedial Trump as well. Perhaps my phobia has caused me to miss something." A girding breath. "Time to put that aside...."

Helena: I take a breath at that. "Your caution was well warranted. I worry for you." I see a man stilling your heart, is what I see.

GM: "I will withdraw if the learning comes bringing some unmanageable malaise forth in me, but it has been so long, I feel childish for harboring my fear untested." He kisses your hand in his. "Do not worry for me, {beloved}. I will not endanger myself."

Helena: "Your simulacrum tested that fear on your behalf. But I know you are careful and will continue so."

GM: He allows himself a small shudder, admitting his distaste for that memory rather than pretend to more strength than necessary under your gentle judgment. "I will."

Helena: I try to be mollified by this.

I keep trying to maintain the happiness I have around him and our child, separate from bitterness or disappointment or disability, but it is getting harder again. I thought it would not, but it does.

For more to do I bring up again that he was going to teach me to read by touch. Much as he loved it at first I know he is getting tired of having to constantly read to me.

GM: Saras demonstrates a little-used technique of using the limited light-sensitivity of the fingertips to read regular text. I requires some concentration, and the light and distance from the page have to be fairly precise, but you are eventually able to make out letters and then words from your novels. For days when this is too much of a challenge, he buys a few of your favorites in touch-code.

Helena: This is a great relief, and I practice my touch code to improve speed as well.

GM: Do you try to visit Alma every day now, or is that more than you can stay comfortable with?

Helena: I try to visit each day. When it becomes too much, I stop.

GM: Alma is light and pleasant, looking forward to her due date. Her Ways are a bit cold, to help her deal with the heat your siblings inflict on her. Would Alma's incessant cheer grate after a while, or is that soothing?

Helena: Um, both? I will play cards with her; just sit and read; have her read me the news or listen to broadcasts; nap; go for walks with her on the route between our two homes. And when I can't really tolerate it, I go work out.

GM: Alma has a place made for your exercise, so you don't necessarily have to go home when you feel antsy, and never complains when you need to be alone. When you do go home, she always gives you a bottle of cool water for the trip. Boss has made friends with your guide lemur, and they play fetch when you don't need help from one or the other of them.

Helena: I do what I can to forget about things and enjoy her company and just share her excitement about my brother and sister. I ask her how I can be helpful to her on the day of the delivery, assuming Saras and I get the call in time to get here.

I bug Father about the man he knows who can accept my vows with Saras.

GM: A veteran chaplain, from Loren's days of war, centuries ago. So long as Brother Mininsen is not overly burdened with the unfortunate specifics, his discretion is assured. "Do you want to meet him?" Loren asks.

Helena: "Only if he needs to for some reason of his own. Do you and Mother wish to set your date? Coordinating with Saras would be important, as I don't know if there is a particular schedule to his studies. But for me... anytime. I am ready." I smile at that, one of the happier thoughts.

GM: "Once Frey and Freya are here, we will begin to set dates. I want to be sure that all is well before we commit further," and you can see that he is still not entirely confident of Alma's strength to see this through, though there is nothing you know of to point to that would support his fears.

Helena: I sit a momment, considering that. "Between you and me and Saras, you know she will be will be well supported," I say gently.

GM: "Perhaps I have simply accustomed myself to some minimum level of worry." He sighs. "It is good to have her so strong again, but I keep catching myself doubting... waiting for it all to fall through. I must be mad, to take my salvation for such fragile tissue...."

Helena: "No, I understand. I worry, too. I just have to think we will be enough. What else is there to do?"

GM: "Of course." A small embrace follows.

Helena: I bug him about work he thinks I might be allowed to do.

GM: Loren puts you off a bit on this matter. From his tone, you fear that the things he could still offer you would make too much of a serving girl of you for his taste.

Helena: "As you say. You must be aware it is..." I frown. Loren knows my capabilities. It is not for me to push.

GM: "It is what, my beloved daughter? For now, I cannot even make you a messenger. You deserve better than I can offer."

Helena: "There is no... consulting? Documents research?"

GM: His tone is gentle, but unyieldingly professional. "Fast as you might be becoming, I do not think I can justify your pace against that of my least experienced researchers. As for consulting, in what field? We are glutted with military consultants, and for trade...." He spares you the list of problems with that line.

Helena: "I know the field, Father. I could get a secretary to give me summaries; review strategies for making contacts; give recommendations..?"

GM: "Let me see what I can find, what I can arrange." He does not bring you word of employment before Alma's due date.

Helena: I keep aware of Saras and try to keep the happy part of me safe and ahead of this other part, the part that just doesn't seem to know how to be grateful for what I have in such abundance, the part that shames me with its complaints.. I know how trivial those complaints are, truly, now. I have seen how much worse things could be.

GM: Saras begins reading to you in the evenings again, even though you know he spends his days in the library. Each night, he is as intimate and passionate as you will accept, but mornings now he is already gone from your bed when you wake.

Helena: I will try to do more physical work, just to keep him interested. And I recognize that the work will fend off more negative throughts. The blind-fighting after all will be useful even if we ever resolve my blindness.

GM: He has conjured matching eye-less helms for your work, and you both indeed find a great deal of joy coming up with challenges for yourselves in that ring. Saras is never bored in your bed.

Helena: Ah, both these things are a lovely distraction and affirmation.

I sit on the deck a lot, with a book in my lap, pretending to read.

GM: Would you be prepared to 'cover' if Saras asked what you were reading? Still reading mostly for pleasure?

Helena: It would depend on his approach. Probably I would, but if he asked me directly I wouldn't lie. Reading for pleasure, and reading the news and trade broadsheets.

GM: If he found you in a broadsheet, he would often ask if there was anything interesting in the news. (There rarely is, unless you take some fascination from the society pages.)

The trades are somewhat interesting (though I don't have many specifics in mind). It seems that the trade alliance between Jesby and Hendrake is flourishing, and they have built a very substantial lead on the other houses in Golden Circle trade.

Helena: I can take some small pleasure there, then :-)