02 - Light in the Dark
7/2/2007

I let the feel of him against me stand in for the sight of him. It is still hard to fathom entirely that this is what is real, and the abyss that gutted me was not.

"Is it too soon to ask... that you make love to me? I am very tired, but I want..." I'm not sure how to say that I want him and want to know him and want to confirm him with every part of me, and even with all that wanting it is not a thing of lust or even desire, but of need.

GM: "It is not too soon to ask," he whispers, "but... would it be enough for me to think only of you, and put myself aside? I will measure everything too much for fear of hurting you to lose myself in you. Can you forgive that from me?" His face and body fairly burn with shame to sound even one whit like the injured party here, but this is what he feels, and even his relief at what atrocities you were spared cannot yet move him past that yet.

Helena: "That is fine. That is perfect." I nod, understanding this. I find a way to pronounce what I need, what I needed from him before when we kissed by the bath. "I just need to be touched without anger. I need to... confirm you." ...I need to have a picture in my mind that is clearer than the one of your procession, returning your body to Mother Abyss.

GM: "Those things I can do," and you feel the heat of his shame fading... though the desired heat of passion has yet to rise to replace it. He shades back to human form.

Saras fortifies himself with another taste of wine, and then leads you to the bedroom, leaving his glass behind.

Once there, his hand in yours steers you onto the bed, gently scooting you back just far enough. He begins with kisses, your lips and then gently back and down, past one ear and along your neck. His hands lightly move the shift from your shoulders, guiding the top of it down until it is pooled around your waist. Cautious touching, mostly lips, as he guides you onto your back. He lingers until there is some sign that you are ready to go farther.

Helena: I concentrate to bring my human shape back as well - mine and not hers - and take one of his hands in both of mine as he goes, enfolding it, feeling the shape of it. I bring it to my cheek. I flatten it there with one hand and hold it and press my face against it while my other hand remembers the shape of his arm. I reach his shoulder, and behind his neck. Then I pull him back up to kiss my lips. I arch my back to press my chest against him. If he is not resisting, I entwine one leg with his and pull him close to lie full length against me. I do not want this kiss to end.

GM: There is no resistance; only some caution with his weight. He begins to kiss you more fully, tongue awakening but not intruding. There are signs of life below; in him, and in you. One of his hands finally finds a use beyond support, gently stroking the soft fuzz on your head, touching your cheek, your ear, your neck.

Helena: I let my hand explore his back, the angle of his shoulderblade and the muscles below, the narrowing at his waist and the dip at the base of his spine. There is definite pressure in my touch, pulling him against me.

GM: Saras rather gingerly begins to raise the hem of the slip, and then pauses at the modest undergarment beneath. He takes a breath with your tongues entangled, and begins to tug them down, still kissing; making use of the small space still between you. His fingers drag lightly along your flesh, testing your heat.

Helena: I lift my weight slightly to make it easier for him, and when he has them off me I wrap my leg around his again, drawing his thigh up for me to press against. I moan slightly into his mouth, and my kiss gets hungrier.

GM: He draws back slightly from your kiss, his eyes down to scout along the length of you - an unaccustomed uncertainty - and then he wrestles his own clothes down and away from him.

The moment where you finally meet, his entrance into you, there is patience, but no hesitation. He is measured, but not artless or passionless.

Helena: I am relieved beyond measure. This is him. This is the man I love. "It is you," I murmer, over and over, accepting him slowly, moving with him. Being with him fully defines and fulfils my desire.

GM: He brings you too gently the first time, little more than a quickening of breath and a sigh, but the confirmation of him around you and within you more than makes up for it.

You are tired, but maybe less tired now with your defenses down and Saras fully here with you. Do you bid him continue when he slows, or let him withdraw to simply hold you?

Helena: I am half-dreaming in his arms as he finishes, and kiss him sleepily, content. "I love you." I move my head a little, burrowing back into the pillow and letting my eyes close.

GM: "I know," he whispers, enfolding himself around you as you drift off.

You feel his lips against your shoulder when you awaken, and it is easy to imagine that such tiny touches alighted upon you many times while you slept. It has perhaps only been a few hours, but already your stomach growls and your mouth is dry.

Helena: I smile and stretch cat-like at the feeling of him near me before I open my eyes and realize I can't see him. "Mm, g'morning again," I say, to cover. "Did you stay here all this time?"

GM: "Of course." No sense of effort. This was where he wished to be.

Helena: I run my hands over his sides and pull myself closer to nuzzle him. But after a second I say, "I'm hungry."

GM: "And I am at your service," he says, lightly as he can. "What is milady's preference?" Soft kiss while you consider.

Helena: I a little bewildered, recalling that people have preferences about these things. "The rest of the everything I was too full for last night? And more of the lamb strips." I'm not sure if I really liked them, or if I remember them fondly as the first thing I ate after...

GM: "Shall I run you another bath?" as if he can sense what relief you gain from them. "... to give me time to cook."

Helena: "Yes." Even this hungry, that would be good.

GM: "I brought yesterday's outfit back, as you were hardly in it, but I can find you something else if you'd like." Sounds almost like gentle teasing.

Helena: "Just the shift, please. It seems hot." I can't decide between burning up and chilled.

GM: "I'll get you another."

Helena: I stretch and get up tentatively and let the old shift fall from where it was bunched up around my waist and step out of it.

And, thinking I might trip in it later, I pick it up and drop it on the bed.

GM: Saras heads into the bathroom, departing slowly... but not making intentional noises for you now.

Helena: I follow and find the bathroom doorway with my hand and stand in it until he's done.

GM: It only takes a little while. You feel his eyes on you as he's finishing, and the pain seems less in him. "You are looking better already... though I confess to a lover's bias."

Helena: I smile. "I feel... so much better." I gently shove him out to start my second breakfast!

GM: He goes, glad for the playful shoving. "Yes ma'am," he jokes. Then he is away.

Helena: I wash very thoroughly again. I run the shower when I'm done, to rinse all the slightly dirty soapy water away.

GM: Are you taking the time to shed 'her' shape again while you clean up? You notice when you settle into the tub. Your connective tissue has rebounded, so you don't look such the hag, and the loss of weight diminished you on top a great deal. Probably something about your hips tipped you off as you sat.

Helena: *hits head on wall* gently. Yes. Methodically as I bathe, I strip that away.

GM: No problem. Saras calls, "Next meal is served!" having lost any sense of schedule himself. You hear him come into the bedroom. "Your shift is laid out, and I put the other things away."

Helena: I head in there, mostly dried off. Picking up the shift I ask casually, "When did my form change?"

GM: Equally casually, "A little while after you drifted off."

Helena: "Huh." I smile and dress and go towards the living room. One thing at a time. One thing at a time. "Where are we eating?"

GM: "I have everything on a cart, for inside or out, as you wish." He kisses you on your way past him, following you out.

Helena: I am startled by his touch, but suppress reaction other than to duck my shoulder and grin at him, as though tickled. "Outside, please." I walk to the patio, aware that a cart may be in my way, and step out into the light.

I can feel it, anyway, even if I can't see it.

GM: The cart is not in your path, and you hear Saras roll it from behind the bar after you head out. Sun feels near midday now, even warmer, and a gentle breeze stirs the hem of your slip.

Helena: It's wonderful, feeling the air. I'm happy to wait for him to serve me.

GM: A moment later, you hear the plate delivered. "It's just like before," he explains, "but the second course is duck, and the third a broil of drake."

Helena: I eat steadily and hungrily, not tasting much but enjoying it immensely anyway.

GM: Ahh... and again, you can feel your body plumping from your intake. You might be back to your original mass in a week, maybe even less.

Helena: And my strength? Coordination?

GM: Coordination has largely returned, strength is slowly returning - maybe tomorrow or the day after you'd be 90+%, endurance is fifty-fifty, but improving rapidly.

Helena: Halfway through the meal, I say, "I really do... feel better."

GM: "I'm glad." He touches the back of your wrist, silently asking to hold your (non-fork) hand.

Helena: I give it to him gladly.

GM: He plays with your engagement ring a moment, then stills and just holds your hand.

Helena: "What is the story in Chaos for you, now? Since the... funeral?" I push out.

GM: "I am Zaran Hendrake, son of Saras... discovered too late." He chuckles. "I'm afraid you will see little of my gray in public after all." Then he squeezes your hand, an unspoken apology

Helena: "Um... it's a little creepy that I'm dating my lover's son." Thinking of Amber... it's a lot creepy.

GM: "Publicly, I am just fulfilling my father's last wish to see you cared for."

Helena: "I suppose if I cared much for my reputation I would never have become involved in any of this." Such a crazy thing to say, to deny something that has always been so important and so valuable to me. "I love you," I say suddenly again, to reassure myself.

GM: "It is not so unusual for a Hendrake man to honor his father's wishes to the last. Perhaps we will be quiet for a while, but it is not such a scandal." Then, "I know. I am sorry for this 'one more'."

Helena: "I think we will be discovering 'one more's' for a long time."

GM: "Perhaps, but I will gladly bear 'one more' to be with you."

Helena: I can't bring myself to say "likewise" out loud. It sounds too much like last words. But I smile, and eat. Enjoy the sun and wind.

GM: He is quiet, eating fairly well himself, you think. Finally, you are sated. "What will we do now, {beloved}?" using the married inflection.

Helena: "At some point I guess we should... play doctor. In the less fun way. I really have no feel for what's going on with me anymore."

GM: "Well... we could look you over on the bed, and I can endeavor to banish any chill that might arise."

Helena: "That does make it sound more appealing." I blush a little. "I hope you're smiling."

GM: "I am, {beloved}, I am."

Helena: "I want to do my shift kata this morning. I'm not fully ready, but I have to start somewhere."

GM: "I will observe, if you will take my word to stop if I think you try too much."

Helena: I don't know why that makes me uncomfortable, and since I can't figure out how to voice my objection, I say, "Of course."

GM: He helps you up, confident that you don't need it, but offering anyway.

Helena: I allow it, definitely.

After a brief bathroom break where I manage to wash my face only twice, I come out with a towel in hand and toss the shift off on the bed. I take the towel with me to the door to the small arena with the sand floor.

GM: Saras follows briefly after, carrying glasses for water, you think.

Helena: I stride to the center of it from memory, take a low, stable stance, and slowly become completely aware of myself. The eyes are an annoyance, so I compartmentalize that annoyance and ignore it.

GM: They are more easily ignored than you would imagine, when they are closed, though the unfulfilled expectation when you open them never fails to disconcert

Helena: I close them, then.

The beginning does not impress anyone not in contact. It is slow sweeps of changes of what I am to... exactly what I am. Touching every cell in fast ripples like flipping through a deck of cards. No other motion accompanies this.

GM: A bit tiring, and with the occasional odd echo. There is the impulse to become 'her' as you relax.

Helena: No following of that impulse. No relaxing, just steady control.

GM: You can be the 'you' you wish with just that small hand on control

Helena: Then a pause of complete stillness, all processes paused utterly, an instant of controlled death. The next moment, from bottom to top, a quick replacement to demon form. Again I exert the extra control for it to be mine and not hers.

GM: It takes a few moments longer than it should... a sense of sliding from 'you' to 'her' to 'her demon' to 'your demon'

Helena: That jars me. I open my eyes... wrong! jarred again. In frustration I walk in a small circle, shaking that out. Returning to human form, I take my stance and start again.

GM: Saras says nothing, just watching.

Helena: I run it again. If I can get pass the shift to demon form, I do the ripples there, and then begin motion. Martial forms while runing the rippling shifts, maintaining complete control.

GM: It has the same feeling, four smooth steps instead of two. The katas begin well, but you feel a hint of fatigue creeping, even so early.

Helena: I really am pushing too hard, and I know it, but it is fueled a bit by anger. I recognize after a time that I have to cool off, so I come to a stopping point, return to human form, and shake it off again.

GM: A few breaths ease the fatigue.

Helena: "Nothing," I say to Saras. "It's too soon."

GM: "Perhaps... but it was an impressive demonstration, nonetheless." He offers you a glass of water, touching your hand with his, holding the glass.

Helena: I take it, then, though what I want is to be cross about his misunderstanding of what the word impressive means. "Thank you." I drink steadily.

GM: He is quiet, perhaps sensing some small disappointment from you.

Helena: "I probably should take a break. Like I said, it's too soon. I started to feel tired right away.

"You up to an examination?"

GM: "I am. I've been saving myself for such work since you came home." He tries to keep that statement light.

Helena: I hand him back the glass so I can put my arms around him. "I feel I am taking advantage of you." I grin. "Or rather, I hope..."

GM: "Such advantage I relish offering." He hugs you, glass in hand, the other guiding your head that he might kiss you squarely and well.

Helena: That is good... "The bed, then?"

GM: "I thought you might never ask." Definitely smiling, gently leading

Helena: I go with him, curious whether he will work or play first, and ready for either.

GM: "What troubles you," he asks, sitting beside you on the bed. It does sound a little like a come-on

Helena: ...that the world crumbled, and I rebuilt it without you to survive, and now I... feel guilty? I don't know what to do? "That I cannot see your face," I say honestly. "That I can't tell what you are seeing when you look at me."

GM: "I see the woman I love." He cools slightly, becoming professional as his hands touch your face, near your eyes. "This... I do not know what to make of what they have done."

Helena: "It does not change. I can't seem to ... push it away."

GM: "There is more than one enchantment on them, and other things that I cannot even identify. It even feels like the nerve for each is growing in or out to meet them."

Helena: "I should have asked... I couldn't do anything but walk away." ... asked for what? Give me back what you took from me?

GM: "Best not to owe Amber anything, even if you should have had it, unasked."

Helena: ... but I do owe... and they owe me so much more. "There is nothing you can do, then? Can we not... physically remove them?"

GM: "Their roots are deep, and there is something of Trump on them, I think. They would resist."

Helena: "Enough Trump for spying?"

GM: "It does not feel that way. Something smaller. Maybe even just for permanence," 'bastards' just barely not vocalized.

Helena: "And my shifting, then? The entity's... persistence?"

GM: "Perhaps something like what Alma experiences... that it is your root now."

Helena: "Explain that to me." There is something like the cold anger I used to have, and I hold up my hand. "No, don't. I will find out what I need to know to undo it or change it, and we'll move on from there."

You don't understand. What I was prepared to go through, to do, to get this back. And I got through it, and it is still not set right.

"I got the door open through Julian's memories. I had thought... that was the last step."

GM: "You unlocked a door that did not exist before. The doorway is still behind you, where none was before."

Helena: "We have to dismantle the room," more of a question than a statement.

GM: "I do not know how, or even that it can be done. And what if we burn it, and you are still marked with her underneath?"

Helena: "Yes, what if?"

GM: "Then we have torn at your foundations for nothing, if it impedes you little if at all.

"Do you understand how invasive this was, to change you so fundamentally... and then to do so again?"

Helena: "Do you understand how invasive it is for the violation to be repeated and revisited every time I think to relax?" I respond quietly. Though he awakens my anger, it is not him with whom I am angry, I remind myself.

GM: He seems to brace himself, not arguing back. "Yes."

Helena: "I understand 'not now.' I refuse to understand 'not ever.'"

GM: "I do not refuse you hope... merely remind the cost the other way."

Helena: "I don't need your reminder. I know. We learned it together, remember?"

GM: He sighs. Quieter now, "Yes, as you say." His hands withdraw

Helena: "Get out, please. Come back when I'm not such an asshole. I am afraid I will say something even more stupid."

GM: Saras is slow to rise, but he does leave. "Perhaps a walk. I will not be gone long. I should hear if you call before that."

Helena: "I... will sleep. I still feel so tired."

GM: "Rest," he whispers, and then he is gone.

Helena: I roll into the middle of the bed, struggling to find a comfortable way to rest without giving in to the temptation to pull up my knees. I succumb to the sleep I need fitfully.