01 - Out from the Shadows
7/1/2007

I find myself awake but completely disoriented in time. Indigo night, or black, or red dawn? I have no idea. I have pushed my pillow away in my sleep, and my head rests on my bent arm. My back is against Saras's chest. His strong arm encircles my ribs completely, holding me against him, but my knees are tucked up, my heels almost against the bony underedge of my pelvis. There is so... little of me. His breath, slow and regular, caresses the side of my head. He is deeply asleep.

There was no particular sound that started me awake, no motion from Saras. I wonder if in my body's clock it is time for the delivery of another kicking and cup of water. I remember learning to taste whether it was too foul to drink, and sometimes drinking anyway, and wonder if I will always be sipping small first, ready to spit, from this point on. Call it... lesson learned. It is always the pointless ones that stick.

I am not hungry, really. But even with the recalled stench of polluted water in my nose, I thirst terribly. I don't want to wake him. I think it might be easier now to go back to sleep with him, and pretend we died together, never feeling the pain of separation. His life, his heart beating against the thin flesh of my back, is like... new grass growing over his own grave. It is sparse and tenuous. I see blackness around him like he has not fully survived his... imaginary death. I am desperate to see him. The sight of him might banish the specter that now lies over him in my mind.

I am wracked by new and violent trembling, and hot, and my plan to turn and wake him gently is spoiled by my sudden coughing.

GM: He almost immediately gives you room to cough, but does not let you go. "Breathe," he whispers, tenderly and full of sorrow, waiting as patiently as he can for you to calm enough to describe your need.

Helena: I push up onto my elbow so as not to choke, signalling with my hand that I'll be okay. When it subsides for a second, I say, "Water please."

GM: He seemed to have a glass at hand, and braces you to drink from it after setting it in your hands.

Helena: Still slow and careful with it, I first sip to banish the coughing, and then drink fully.

GM: He waits, he holds you carefully; you can feel his hand hovering near the glass, but not too near.

Helena: When I'm done I hand it to him and sit up in the bed. I draw up my knees, which seems their natural position, and put my head down on them, facing him.

GM: He sets the glass back on the night table and pours to have it full again. Then you feel him looking at you... can almost hear him chewing his lip not to cry or otherwise inflict his emotions on you.

Helena: "Don't look," I say quietly. "I don't want you to see sorrow every time you look at me. Just... hold me."

GM: He does as you ask. "I am sorry, {beloved}. I will contain myself... when I can." A tear or two before he is steady again

Helena: I furrow my brow but refrain from saying anything else.

GM: "What can I do?" he whispers into your shoulder. He struggles to be idle now, almost embarrassed to have slept with you so....

Helena: "What... time is it? I need to start eating I think." I laugh a little. "It's probably not a great sign that I don't want to."

GM: "You might be out of practice," he whispers, finding at least a little humor for comfort. "It is Purple-Sky, Dawn Turning. You slept nearly seven hours. I could take you out to the sun, if you want... help you from those rags...." starting a list out loud from the ones in his mind

Helena: I had completely forgotten them. "A bath."

GM: "I leave you just for a moment," he promises. Eases away, reluctant to part.

Helena: I start to say no, but realize that's not reasonable. I just nod.

GM: "I could make noise, if you wish to follow me." You hear a drawer open - your nightshirts. Then another - towels. He struggles to whistle as he goes from the room to start the water.

Helena: I chuckle. "I guess... that's not necessary, Love."

GM: "Of course." His voice is not too small as he quits. A moment later, he is beside you, hands reaching to help you from the bed. "Do you have any hurts that need tending before I commit you to the water?" A doctor for a moment.

Helena: I think. Julian barely scratched me. My eyes... are really what's left. I twitch to motion towards them, but then do not. It is too... bald a thing. I shake my head no.

GM: Saras helps you into the tub. The temperature is warm but not overly so.

Helena: So much water... "I... can I wash, and you pour me another, please?"

GM: "Of course." He rises, goes to get you something drinkable. Alone in the tub a moment

Helena: I wash quickly while he is gone. At each place my hands touch, I touch also from the inside, with my shift sense, turning back on those things I have turned off in many months of its absence. Readiness, nerve endings. I investigate the form of my stomach, and awaken an incredible hunger, almost enough to pull me out of the bath.

It is almost too much to do all at once, and the hunger will only get worse the more I do. I stop halfway through.

GM: You are trembling slightly, and then the small voice of the Saras Helena construct offers to help.

Helena: ...how?...

GM: How would you like? I can feel for you, or let you feel less.

Helena: no... not right now, no...

I pull myself out of the dirty water of the tub and sit on the edge, waiting for Saras to return.

GM: She offers you nothing more, retreating out of your hearing.

Saras comes back, bearing water and fruit juice, one hand for each, explained as he offers them to you.

He expresses no surprise to see you where you are, though perhaps he feels some.

Helena: I drink the juice first, just by sips. In between I ask him if he would run new water for me.

GM: He forgets and nods before answering, "Of course." Then, while the water drains, "Should I burn that shift, or arrange it for a trophy?"

Helena: I manage a smile for him, and don't bother answering.

GM: Old water gone, he rinses the tub and then runs new. His hands touch you gently, once... twice... never lingering long

Helena: I manage not to flinch, which I take as a good sign.

GM: He may be comforted as well, but he does not test.

Helena: As soon as there is any water at all, I slide back down into it. Clean in clean, for the first time in... three months is it? Not so long as prison sentences go. Not even among those that are false. It seems I have changed a lifetime. Perhaps all prisoners feel this way.

GM: Just over three months, you think, though you have had no confirmation. With no mark of time, it could have been three decades, three centuries... three hours of compressed hells

Helena: I will ask later, and pretend for now it was three months marked by once-daily meals. Although perhaps by my extreme emaciation, I should think otherwise. "Talk to me, Love. Don't be silent. What was the news here?"

GM: "I, too, have been away a long time. Not so bitterly, but away. I know that Alma is well, and Loren too. They have kept Boss with them, and they await your word, your wellness to travel. Alma is housebound, and not fond of it."

Helena: "Housebound?"

GM: "She is uncomfortable outside her native form, and her native form is the one you two share. It would cause a stir, Loren fears, and she grudgingly agrees."

Helena: "Then my sister and brother make their progress well, otherwise?"

GM: "She leaves her sixth month soon, and already she is..." he makes some gesture with both arms, "...very large. They are very fat and happy," he says, perhaps smiling. "She is eager to see you, but Loren will help her wait until you can face her well. Alma is not so fragile now, but why risk?" the last words a bit quiet.

Helena: I face the direction of my toes, and fix my expression. "It must be very bad."

GM: "Not so much. Not for long." He reconsiders. "I'm sure Loren only means for you to be level and prepared. He would not keep you from her for some... thinness." The last word is a stretch

Frankly, you feel like some swamp hag from a children's story.

Helena: "I think I have the appetite to... repair most of this. So you will not have to have concern..."

GM: "We have a full fridge, and I could gladly conjure anything you wish to eat besides." Again, that eagerness to not be idle. "I am more concerned for your other wells being...."

Helena: "Well." I change my expression to a considering smile. And shrug. I hold out my hand for his hand, and sink into the bath, just resting a bit. Maybe I fall asleep; in any case I am not sure what time passes.

GM: He does take your hand, and still has it when you awaken. His other hand is on your belly, and you feel some Working about him.

Helena: I do flinch then, and wish I could have prevented it. I know it must scare him. I don't want him to be scared. "Mm, sorry. I fell asleep."

GM: He withdraws, and the magic falls away. "That's all right. You needed it, I'm sure." A pause as he reaches for a towel. "Can you eat?"

Helena: I nod, eagerly. I think it was the hunger that woke me.

GM: He helps you up, drapes you with a towel. "What help do you need, between wet here and dry there?" Sounds light, if a bit forced

Helena: "Just my clothes where I can reach them. Unless you rearranged the furniture as a joke," I try.

GM: "Not yet. Maybe tomorrow." He must be smiling, but can't quite laugh. "I'll lay out clothes on the bed. Meet you?"

Helena: A pause. "Yes," I force myself to say, to go with the forced calm of my smile.

GM: "Call out if you need anything... anything. I will prepare... what would you like?"

Helena: "Everything. Protein, mostly."

GM: "Of course. For you, everything." He touches your hand as if he means to kiss it, or draw close from that gentle grasp to kiss your face....

Helena: I give him a small pull, to bring him to me if he can... stand to do so.

GM: That small pull is permission enough, for that was all he seemed to need. A small kiss, tender, near your lips. He is close enough, lingering, that you might try for more.

Helena: One more. My lips need a memory that is not poor Julian's dead face.

GM: Lips meet, and he pulls away for fear of asking too much. His emotions are right there in that touch for you to read.

Helena: I read them.

GM: Love first, then fear and anger. He believes you raped or worse.

Helena: I let him open the bathroom door for me, and I go to put on my clothes. It is like moving through my Ways in the dark; I have done it a thousand times.

But of course it is not like that at all.

GM: He does, going to the small kitchen space at the bar to prepare things. Laid out are a soft shift, warm sweater and skirt, and very modest underthings. Tall socks near the edge and fluffy slippers by the bed where you could not help but find them.

Helena: I almost laugh. Is the weather so chilly? Then again, I do find I shiver readily. After thinking a moment, I put on everything but the socks, slippers over my bare feet. I shuffle out to him and past to the patio door. "Outside? In the sun."

GM: "Of course." Already he is moving that way, and - if you wait - opens the door for you

Helena: The things we will talk about will have less life in the light of the sun. As he is coming, I wait for him, on the chance we might brush against one another.

GM: He is quite close; an opportunity. All he carries is silverware and napkins, you think

Helena: I pause and lean back a little, letting my hand move down the outside of his thigh as he comes up against it. Then I step out onto the patio, and feel my way to the chair that faces east.

I let my eyelids close, and turn my face towards the warmth.

GM: He stays in the doorway a while. Oh, the sun.... Then he puts down a place setting for each of you.

"Lamb or beef to start?"

Helena: "You're joking, aren't you? If I have to pick, I'd say... lamb."

GM: "Nope. Joking comes after you fall over the chair I moved." He heads back inside to get the first few courses.

Helena: I'm in danger of dozing off again, but hunger keeps me awake this time.

GM: Plates are set before your places, and more in the center of the table. "Meat at six, greens at two, gravy and legumes atten," he instructs.

Helena: I take up a fork, and get a surreptitious feel for the size of the plate. The fork hovers. "Anything need cutting?"...

Details aside, I slowly eat, awaken the cells of my shifting, eat, awaken, eat, until I know my body again fully. I eat enough more that I think I can risk a shift afterwards.

GM: "The lamb is in strips. Cut if you need."

Your body is responding fairly well, if slowly. What are you concentrating on, shift wise?

Helena: Nothing yet, other than reawakening it. I remember the feeling of not thinking about shifting, but my body has to be taught it again it seems... at least at first. I want to figure out if I can shift completely to my demon form; if mass is a limitation for me, given my condition, or if I can manage it.

GM: By the time the second course of beef is gone, you think you could manage it. You've regained five pounds even after a trip to the bathroom. It will be a skinny demon, but you think you can.

Helena: I have used my hunger and my internal focus to avoid talking through the meal, except for mumbles of satisfaction and requests for more. But we can't leave this here, lying between us in silence. "Tell me how long I was in Amber."

GM: "One hundred and ninety-eight days, Chaos time. I could give you hours and minutes..." he adds.

Helena: "What were you... told?"

GM: "Next to nothing. Benedict is not... loquacious."

Helena: "Amber communicated with Chaos. What about that?"

GM: "I was only privy to the first days. "Heard what they did to you... but not all."

Helena: "What did they say?"

GM: "I knew that you had been blinded, but not to what extent." He is avoiding the subject of what other tortures you might have endured, not to spare himself, though

Helena: I wouldn't suppose they would mention any of that. I had the impression they were not exactly Crown approved.

GM: likely not

Helena: ...though I doubt, unguessed...

"He is dead." My hands rise of their own accord. Head and heart. Left above right. But it is only a partial gesture, hardly more than a shrug.

GM: "Good," escapes him before he can put brakes to tongue. Then he does not regret saying it.

Helena: I make a considering expression. He is exactly correct, neither more nor less, and I nod slowly.

GM: "Could you manage wine? I'd not offer a toast, but...." He perhaps needs a drink.

Helena: "Wine, yes. Please." I have no idea if I can manage it, but I want it.

GM: He leaves just briefly, then returns with glasses and bottle.

Helena: "I was not raped I don't think. There was a piece of time in which I lost track, at a point it might have happened, but when I could look again, I don't think it had. Did your examination tell you otherwise?"

GM: He starts a bit, then whispers, "No, I did not sense... that." Even the relief hurts him in this moment.

Helena: "When they shaved me, it seemed likely. I am glad for your confirmation." I try to speak in the same businesslike way I had come to look upon these possibilities myself, to give him some boldness to speak his own fears.

GM: "I thought... I thought it might be years before I could touch you again, even returned home to me. I did not know what they might have done. Given Alma...."

Helena: "I was prepared for him, and he did not have much time. And his brother... did not truly have it in him, though a wrong word would have pushed him."

GM: "Have much time?" He takes that wrong, you can tell immediately

Helena: "He knew that Benedict was trailing him. He came only to kill me, though he would have liked to do more. As it was, we spoke. And then he allowed me to end him.

"I would have done so regardless."

GM: You can feel him relax slightly... smooth out the tablecloth bunched beneath his fingers. "He... let you kill him?"

Helena: I think of a hundred ways to explain, but in the end just nod. "Sometime when you are ready, I can share that with you." I gesture towards my memories as I picture them, behind me, in the past.

GM: "The tale will be enough, unless you need to share it. Whatever you need."

Helena: He does not realize I already have what I need. "Hearing about you was the worst of it." That is all I can say about that.

GM: He lets out a long breath. "I cannot ask you to forgive me. I fought Benedict on that point, but he thought it your best chance. I should have found another way."

Helena: "I used it against him in the end. Julian," I force myself to say. I must let myself say his name. "It was an experience he thought we shared. Perversely. Losing love. So perhaps the Lord General was correct."

GM: Saras stands, comes around to put his hands gently on your shoulders. "I will not leave you so, even in subterfuge, again." Spoken like an oath... and then you feel your mother's ring, light on your hand.

Helena: "Because of what Julian came to remember, I have regained my shifting. It is a small thing, now, but it is returning." I hold up my hand for him to help me stand.

GM: He helps you up. You are both pleased that your need is not so great. "I have most all of you back," he whispers. "To discover anew."

Helena: I lift off the heavy sweater, and untie the skirt and let it fall. Draped in the shift, I tilt back my head and let the shift move me to cool, sculpted alabaster, lessened a little perhaps, but the form in which we met.

GM: He pulls you to him, and you feel a tear on your shoulder. "Reunited, truly." His demon-form rises, woven muscle against your warm stone. "I love you, Helena."

Helena: "I know."