18 - Helena Resigns

//--GM
How will you comport yourself that morning? You and Saras did sleep a little last night. At what point do you think Helena will remember to make some announcement to her parents? Will you involve the press secretary, or hold off for now?

//--Helena
Unless I have something pressing, I'll greet Michelle at the door with Boss when she knocks at her usual hour, hand her a note requesting an extra hour, and ask her to take it to Makkus on her way down.

I am a little shellshocked and a lot happy, and I putter around making breakfast in the small kitchen. After breakfast, which involves a good deal of smiling for no reason and spontaneous kissing I finally blink and say, "I should contact Mother and Father." I laugh. "You know, I just told them yesterday that we were considering the longer term, but we wanted to wait a while and see how things developed here."

//--Saras
"Things... developed rather well, I'd say. Despite some of the circumstances, we were fortunate to have our love forged so strongly in the time we have had. I only regret not asking you sooner, now that we are committed." A broad smile plays across his lips. "I find myself wondering what sort of nude combat we should engage in to celebrate our first anniversary," he muses. "I love how you challenge me, {beloved}, in all things."

//--Helena
I smile and get out my Trump of Loren and attempt to contact him.

//--Loren
The connection takes a few moments longer than usual, and when you get through to Loren, he looks a bit worn, and both crestfallen and relieved that it is you. "I was just considering how best to give you my news, my daughter. Are you alone?"

//--Helena
I blink, and my worry mirrors his. "Um, no, I'm with Saras. I can move, or you can come through and take the Trump gate back," I say aloud for Saras's benefit.

//--Loren
"I cannot leave at this juncture, and this would not be the time for you to reappear in Chaos. The entity has been decanted, and it has spoken of you often enough to raise the JRS' ire. Expect an 'observer' in the near future, Ambassador. In the meantime, I am sending Alma away from here for her own safety, once I can find a suitable refuge."

//--Helena
"No. Absolutely no fucking way. I'm coming there. They can talk to me if they want to talk to me, but this is nothing to do with Alma at all."

//--Loren
Loren's reply is curt but calm. "You have sacrificed enough. Do you truly believe that you have testimony that will keep them from your mother if they decide her silence has been insufficient?

//--Helena
"She didn't tell me anything. Nothing. Nothing that didn't come through because of their failure to take out of her appropriately what they put in her.

"And that aside, they're going to send an agent here? On my watch, on Amber soil? On whose behalf would they risk not only Jesby's mission but the interests of our Crown?

"Bring me through, or I'll find my own way."

//--Loren
"Swear you won't leave this office until you have been briefed on the full situation," Loren says flatly, respecting but not indulging your rage.

//--Helena
I breathe, in and out, several times. Finally I nod, my voice insufficient.

Saras can see the flush of protective anger raised in me.

//--Saras
He moves close enough for you to involve him in the contact, but does not initiate such unbidden.

//--Helena
I flick a glance at him. I won't bring him in unless Loren mentions it. He knows we're together.

//--Saras
"Call me before you go to make your case," Saras whispers, once he sees no invitation forthcoming. "I will see to things here."

//--Helena
I look back at him. "If for some reason I can't, have full write-ups of this ready to go to Merlin and to Benedict. Everything."

//--Saras
He nods, keeping the doom from his expression. "I will hear from you soon," as if he can will it so by saying it aloud.

//--Loren
Loren brings you through, and immediately directs you to a chair.

There is a sense of magical silence rising around you both before Loren begins. "You have read the Treaty. You know how infernally difficult it would be to raise charges of war crimes. However, if a House of the First Kingdom and a House... hells, any Prince of Amber _agree_ to raise a charge, it can be addressed. Lord Jesby himself signed papers to set the program in motion that put Alma on her path. If a rival House comes into the physical proof that such a program still exists, with Prince General Julian just waiting for an excuse to strike at anyone involved with his humiliation, it could bring down all of Jesby."

//--Helena
I look off to one side, to the wall of his office, looking at nothing.

"The entity has been destroyed, now, I presume. I can't believe I was so... stupid."

//--Loren
"The entity yet lives, though to what end I do not know. The JRS holds her in some facility of theirs, supposedly considering her bid for freedom in light of our judge's recommendations." In a lower tone, "Madness," he mutters, "but a madness that preserves your mother's liberty long enough for me to find a safer place for her.

With his head downcast, he catches sight of your hand, but says nothing of the ring, barely allowing himself the slightest reaction.

After collecting himself, "What would you have me do, Helena? Is there some open road that will not bring us to grief?"

//--Helena
I don't know. I don't know what to answer him. Finally I ask, "Of those who have heard, would any of them compromise this information? I would not. You would not. Now that Mother is in her right mind I know she would not. What of the judges? You said they were people you trust."

//--Loren
"Our chosen judge, and the arbiters I involved, all are trustworthy. Those the JRS inserted... one can only hope, facing destruction, that they would have some sense... but that is not what I am seeing. Would that I knew what value this entity had to them...."

//--Helena
"How did the JRS even get involved? I somehow thought this court you had in mind was private."

//--Loren
"Private, yes, but to have the force of Law, it must be recorded, and the JRS has no shortage of clerks." He rubs his eyes, pinching the tension from his nose. "Do you know, they are convinced that she is sister to you?"

//--Helena
"But she had no... physical manifestation." I rub my eyes also, not realizing until a moment later my unconscious echo of my father's gesture.

//--Loren
"They tested the echoes of what little flesh she had, and found the match too compelling. I was not granted opportunity to second the testing, but the lab was trustworthy enough, I thought."

//--Helena
"Were they involved in the plot with Julian's son?" I ask, my heart slowing.

//--Loren
"I do not think so. If there was another hand in that madness, I do not think it theirs."

//--Helena
That's a relief, at least.

I sit back for what seems a long time. "I don't know what else to do besides go to them. I won't do nothing while they slowly figure out how to destroy the life Alma -- and you -- have earned. You have to let me go."

Loren: He throws a pointed glance at the ring on your finger. "And what of the life you have earned, my beloved daughter?"
Helena: "Damn it." I take the ring off and hand it to him. "I should have taken it off before I even came through here.
"Anyway that's not the point.
"You want to know what we can do. This is the only thing I can think of."
Loren: "Give them you so they leave Alma alone?" He can't believe that's the core of your plan
Helena: "I am going to talk to them."
"In truth the only problem we have with them is me having been so scared of them I didn't turn over the entity to them to begin with. My mistake. I'll fix it if I can."
Loren: "How exactly will you 'fix' that?"
Helena: "I. don't. know. Tell them about it, is all I can think of at the moment."
Loren: "Don't they already know how it's done? What will your experience gain us?"
Helena: "Tell them what happened, who knows what about it, and why none of us are risks to our own house!"
Loren: "And if they decide you are a risk, given your proximity to the Prince General?"
Helena: "What proximity? What can they possibly think I would tell him?"
"I have never wanted someone to die in pain. I wish that on him."
Loren: "It's more what he might learn from you without your will, dear heart."
Helena: I sit in stunned silence. I run through every angle I can think of, and can't think of anything that gets around that.
My voice is leaden. "Then they're right."
Loren: "From rage to surrender so quickly, Helena?"
Helena: "They're right. The Prince General could use me to destroy this House."
Loren: "So, you would let him destroy your life as well?"
Helena: "What would you suggest instead? That I let him take us all down?"
"I resign. I retire. That's not so bad."
Loren: "Say that to your mother, and tell me again how that is not so bad."
Helena: "She didn't get the chance. That thing inside her..." I know I can't express to him what that was like.
Loren: "I don't mean her past. I mean watching her daughter cut off at the roots, and blaming herself."
Helena: "There's no life for me if I don't swan around in the King's clothes in Amber, now?"
Loren: "What role would you take, then? You say it would cost you nothing to cast aside all you've won?"
Helena: "Other things... cost more."
Loren: Loren tightens. "And perhaps it is a price we should pay, given the dark roads we have tread."
Helena: "Alma has already paid enough. I've seen it. I have lived through it. That's what she gave me. Have you been in her head, to feel it? She has alrady paid. And you gave up your career to keep your love for her alive all my life, even though there was no reason to think it would ever be repaid."
Loren: "And I sent her down that path. As sure as Lord Jesby and the JRS and the ears that Brand bent, I sent her to be raped and murdered, but she did not die." Loren's claws dig furrows into his desk.
Helena: "You agreed. She agreed. How many years have I seen that in your face? You did it and consigned yourself to Hell for the cause of this war. Can't it be okay that the doors open up, and you and she can emerge together?"
Loren: "The deeper I wade into the cesspool of this history, the less I am certain I deserve this salvation."
Helena: "Whether you deserve it in your own eyes or not, you are my father, and I want it for you.

"Listen to me. I come back here; advise the King maybe, or whatever ambassador he next chooses. I advise the Jesby trade mission, from our side of things. I... paint pottery or teach martial arts or raise children with Saras. How is the small price of a badge worth the lives of the two people I love the best? And of... the sister and brother we were in joy of only a few days ago?"
Loren: He releases his death-grip on the desk, on the verge of tears, but unwilling to surrender to them.
"I no longer am sure how to advise you, Helena," and his eyes' floodgates open.
He seems to feel some joy at the thought of the life you describe, but is unwilling to surrender himself to blissful fatherhood and grandfatherhood in the face of what he feels he has done.
Helena: I hold back a moment, and then go to him, and kneel, holding his hand, "Lord Loren, you are my father. Your <seed> did not create me, but you are my father. Your true love nearly died, and was a long time broken, but still you were my father. I grew in your love. I knew honor because of your love. Everything I did, I did thinking of you, wanting to measure up to you, wanting to... deserve you.
"I can be no better than I am, and what I am is due to you."
Loren: He kneels in kind, almost staggering down in a way. His head against yours, he whispers, "What have I done to deserve you, my blessing, my dearest daughter...."
Helena: "You are strength and sacrifice, understanding and intelligence, Father mine. You are my mother's very heart. Do not bereave her. Do not make me hurt her or you, when there may be something I can do for all of us."
Loren: He gathers some small reserve, clutching your hand tighter. His hand squeezes your engagement ring back into your palm. Trembling, searching for words.
Helena: I wait for him. I do not know what else to do, and it does not occur to me to interrupt him.
Loren: He finally gathers his composure, and then, "You should speak with King Random... when you are resolved."
Helena: "Why do you say that?"
Loren: "To tender your retirement."
Helena: I nod.
Loren: "At least your departure may be honored as befits your works." He hugs you.
Helena: "What will you and mother do until I return?"
Loren: After a long quiet, "Practice."
Helena: I nod again. "If for some reason you should have contact with the JRS, please tell them I will be returning shortly. I do think it would be best if they don't... spoil things for whomever comes after."

"I should speak to our King as well. Or at least tender him some letter."
Loren: "Let me arrange an audience for your return," he says, no longer wishing to speak of the JRS.
Helena: "Thank you." I sit back from him, waiting for him to rise.
Loren: He slowly manages to get up, shaken to the core.
Helena: I rise after him, and get out my Trump of Saras. "Please select someone you think might step into my work for the House. We still have a good window, there, and my notes and research are quite thorough."

I concentrate on the Trump.
Loren: "I will not be able to find a true replacement, but perhaps a few experts together may manage half your ability."
Saras: Saras answers quickly. "Helena?"
Helena: "Please, bring me through."
Saras: He does, embracing you as you arrive.
Helena: I stop, in the morning-lit room, with his arms around me. It feels that everything has moved sidewise; I'm shattered and can hardly make sense of what I'm seeing or thinking.
Saras: He holds you tight, not knowing, but here for you.
Helena: I push back from him a little. "You need to pack. Can you pack for me? I have many meetings to take, and then we need to go with as little fuss as possible."
Saras: "I will." He asks nothing, doing as you ask.
Helena: I hand him the ring. "Please, let us do this again when my heart is quiet."
Saras: He slumps slightly, but pockets the ring and goes to the tasks you have given.
Helena: I dress in the most formal of the ambassadorial uniforms, and go downstairs to find Makkus.
Makkus: Makkus stands at your arrival. "Ambassador?"
Helena: "Makkus. The political situation has changed for me at home, and I will be tendering my resignation. The Jesby Trade Mission will remain open, and your position is secure pending your interview with my replacements.

"Please, is there some way to make an urgent meeting with King Random?"
Makkus: After the briefest startle, he says softly, "I will arrange it." He bows deeply. "You have my condolences, Ambassador."
Helena: "Thank you. I will be in my office arranging briefings on our work so far."
Makkus: "If you need anything else...."
Helena: "Did I have anything on the schedule today? I can't.. trust my memory right now."
Makkus: "Nothing I cannot reschedule, Ambassador."
Helena: "The press secretary, young Miss Honeir... after I have completed my meetings and have departed, please find her and tell her what has happened. I will also arrange for her position to remain open pending review. Of course much of her current work will need to be stopped immediately, but not until after I depart, you understand."
Makkus: "Of course." Then, "She will not take it well."
Helena: "I am sorry to put this on your plate, but given the situation she needs to be kept out of the loop until the conclusion.

"All employees and any contractors with whom we are already working will remain. Progress on the house should continue. I believe my replacements will be coming within a few days at most, but of course they will need time to get their bearings.

"It is a relief to me to know you will assist them in that, Makkus."
Makkus: "Of course, Ambassador. I understand." He nods. "I will assure the levelest transition possible."
Helena: Not trusting myself to say more, I nod and go into my office and close the door.

I immediately busy myself organizing all the contracts, all pending plans, the details of the Gala, research notes by Golden Circle and by possible goods negotiations, local Amber resources, identified competition and threat assessments in every area... all labeled along with detailed notes of my sources and how to gain further access or directions I was going to check but didn't get to.

As I could probably do this for a week, I settle for being able to do it until Makkus tells me he has the meeting arranged with the Crown.
Makkus: He enters a few hours later, saying, "King Random can meet you for breakfast, Ambassador."
Helena: I stand, frowning in consternation at the desk. Finally I give a military smile up to him. "I am certain you can see the direction of my thoughts in organizing these materials... So, am I to meet him at the Castle?"
Makkus: "Yes, on the East Royal Porch. Can I do anything else, Ambassador?"
Helena: "Not for now. I commend you for your service, and regret I will no longer be serving with you."
I check the mirror and make sure I am completely pulled together.
Makkus: "Thank you, Helena...." Then, more formally, "I am sorry; Ambassador."
Helena: The smile returns. "All will be well." I go to the security office and pick up an escort detail for a trip to the Castle.
GM: Hoss and Saras flank you, very formal. For the first time, Hoss has left his eyepatch behind.
Helena: I go to the Castle on the Mountain.
GM: There seems to be an aura of the end of an era hanging about. All the Amber guards salute as you pass.
Helena: I shoot Saras a glance, a little angry that he has spoken to them about this. But I give them the appropriate gesture (return salute, or whatever), and head out with Hoss and Saras.
Saras: He is still strictly formal, but his eyes plead his innocence.
Helena: We go.
GM: Some of the vendors you pass take off their hats, and as you get closer to the Castle proper, those guards too pay their respects.
Helena: damn it! I retain my visible composure, and simply go where I am required to go to meet the King.
GM: The King's Seneschal bows as if you were royalty, and then conducts you out to the porch. Random is there, with Vialle at his right hand. "Welcome Princessa Helena. Please..." gesturing toward the chair at the tail of the smallish table.
Helena: I bow to the King, deeply, until he gestures me to the chair, and I go there to take it. "Thank you, Your Majesties."
Random: Once you are seated, Random cuts right to the point. "Is there anything we can do to change your mind, Ambassador?"
Helena: "The situation is a circle, I'm afraid. If I continue to serve, my involvement there will compromise me, and my service here makes that situation worse. I very much appreciate your consideration, however, Your Majesty."
Random: "If you vouch for your replacement, then I suppose I'll settle. You still owe me dinner for that wine, though, youngling." He smiles.
Helena: "When times are more settled I will be honored to host you."
Random: "I will be waiting for the invitation. I know a few places in Shadow, if home is a problem for you.":
Helena: It seems somehow safer to pass that comment by. "I must also tender my resignation to His Majesty the King Merlin; properly that should have come first, but the logistics made it impossible. I hope you understand even though there may be short delay, that it is my intention to serve in no official capacity in the intervening hours."
Random: "We'll manage. We always do." He looks you over. "Is there anything a king of all reality might do for you?"
Helena: "May I ask a favor of you in confidence?"
Random: "I can't promise in advance, but I can certainly hear you out." Vialle rises to leave you two alone.
Helena: I stand as she rises to leave, and remain standing until she is gone.

"The trade mission... we were planning a Gala. I believe your secretary has the notices. Prince General Julian requested invitations, and I believe he intended some mischief. With my departure, his motivation for doing so may have lessened, but in case he is not done with that sport, I would appreciate you doing what you can to interfere with his success in it. My replacements will have considerable worries on their hands. I fear whatever the Prince General might do would be too much for them."
Random: "Well... I'll see what I can do." He looks like he'd rather you'd asked for a few fingers from his right hand.
Helena: "Perhaps there is something diverting he could be asked to do elsewhere at the time." I suggest.
Random: "Julian is too much his own man for such a subtle subterfuge, but... as I said... I will see what I can do." It would seem the subject is closed.
Helena: "Your Majesty," I rise and bow to him.
Random: He nods, then thinks better of it and rises to bow, albeit not crisply. "You will be missed in Amber, Helena."
Helena: "I thank you, though I have hardly had time to make such an impact. I hope I have prepared the ground for positive relationships with my successors." I bow again, and turn to leave.
GM: He lets you go. The Seneschal bows quite deeply on your departure.
Helena: As I walk up the hallway with Hoss and Saras, I ask them, "Does the behavior here seem... out of keeping to you?"
GM: Hoss snorts, but Saras answers solemnly, "I, too, am a bit uncomfortable."
Helena: "Hoss, what is it?"
GM: "They disrespect each other by respecting each other's hates." Quieter, "Julian is a dick, let's face it."
Helena: "Such a display is..." I don't finish the sentence, but instead make my way as directly as possible back to the embassy.
…going to call too much attention to us, I was going to say, but thought better of it.

GM: Hoss stops at the entryway, feeling this part of his duty done. "I'll miss you two. You made for a fine pair of moons on the stairs." He nods, then pulls his eyepatch from a pocket to put on as he turns to go.
Helena: "Makkus has the paper trail in hand. I'll get Boss."
Saras: "I have everything I need packed, and all I believed you would take."
Helena: "Let us meet by the gate, then."
Saras: He nods.
Helena: I go to the garden or whereever I would expect to find Boss at this hour.

GM: Boss lopes over from the garden, looking a little down in sympathy.
Helena: I leave two-weeks pay for Michelle in apology for our sudden departure. Collecting him I make my way to the gate room.
GM: Saras is waiting.
Helena: I go to him. "It is possible there will be scrutiny when we arrive. You may wish to delay?"
Saras: "I would walk in with you, {beloved}." He still holds your ring in his hand. "I will face what you face."
Helena: "My heart..." I look at him and can feel it cold, like the moment I woke up without him. "I returned that to you for you to keep until you would ask me again."
Saras: "Then I ask you now. I would not wait, though Empire between us." (a bit of ancient poetry)
Helena: I can't keep the fear from passing over my features, but I am true when I look back at him. "I answer yes, then."
Saras: He restores the ring to where it belongs.
Helena: I take his hand and hold it, and I go through with him.

//--GM
How will Helena comport herself as she is detaching from ambassadorial service? After just a few days, your input is no longer sought. If you're looking, there are no immediate openings in military positions in Jesby, and - despite Loren's influence - a trade role has not yet materialized.

//--Helena
I take it the JRS has not yet asked to see me? I have moved back into my own Ways and have specifically not made myself difficult to find.

//--GM
You get the distinct impression that Loren has somehow deflected them, but toward the end of your first week back in Chaos, a messenger demon arrives - to much barking and fussing from Boss, oddly enough - giving you a time and place for a meeting. The location is a particularly remote and inhospitable part of the Estates, an area you had thought had fallen into disuse. Their terse missive specifies that you come alone and bearing nothing you wish to keep.

//--Helena
Does the messenger present JRS credentials?

//--GM
The messenger demon has all the appropriate markings and day codes, and its borne identification appears in order.

//--Helena
If so, I will certainly go, wearing my simplest formal uniform. I would give my ring to Saras to hold (which may or may not induce a long conversation).

//--GM
The mood of the presentation would determine his reaction. How do you phrase your request for him to hold it?

//--Helena
The evening of the day I get the invitation, during dinner I first tell him that the messenger came, and repeat his words exactly, and then I add, "When I go I would have you hold our ring. It is a thing I would not lose to them or whatever trial they intend."

//--Saras
"Would that I could counsel you to skip this, but... I know you want peace for Alma, for you, for your sister coming. I will hold it, and you must return for it, {beloved}." That night, he is particularly affectionate, casting aside sleep for time with you, both in intimacy and in repose.

//--Helena
I return his affection in kind, savoring him and this contact between us.

And Loren had said he would arrange my meeting with Merlin? Given I resigned in Amber first, which doesn't seem right, I want to do that right away.

//--GM
There is a meeting with King Merlin scheduled for a few days after your arrival, but notice arrives of its postponement about twelve hours before the appointed time. It has yet to be rescheduled.

//--Helena
Okay. A little on edge about this... but of course waiting on the King's pleasure.

//--GM
By the time of the dinner and the JRS meeting, it still is not arranged.

//--Helena
(As to comporting herself: extremely business-like, extremely efficient, making herself busy.)

//--GM
When there is nothing of work to do, what then?

Saras has been obliged by his contract to continue working, though at least he is working the Chaos end of the trades. Are you still cohabitating? How has your mood been with him? (I couldn't see Saras waiting to re-confirm your engagement - I hope I didn't short-circuit a later scene you had in mind)

//--Helena
I hope that he will be living with me in my Ways.

During Saras's work day I will look into work for myself -- mostly researching where things need doing, since I don't want to even start anything until whatever the JRS contact is going to be gets over with.

//--GM
The most interesting assignments appear to be those of the Import / Export Agents, who discover, arrange, and police goods from the Black Zone and beyond for local and distant consumption. There are few appointments available, despite the clear need, and the demand is high. It may be a fight to get such a placement. On a smaller scale, there is always a demand for clerks, and you might be able to arrange an appointment in Loren's office without a stir, given that such a placement carries little prestige.

Saras comes home tired, but every Turning makes time for you; not out of pity or guilt, but of honest want of your time and affection. He has not brought up any plans for the future, perhaps waiting for you to be in the proper head-space to bring it up, or perhaps just not knowing what will be next.

//--Helena
I am (very) pleased to be with him, but tired and in that unpleasant on-edge-waiting space. I am happy to let us be each other's soothing, me for his kind of tiredness, and me for mine. I want to hear everything he is allowed to tell me about the progress of the mission, emphasizing the Chaos side, though I don't quite admit it's because I don't want to hear about the other.

//--GM
He does not appear to be involved in anything sensitive, so he can share much of the intricacies of his loading and unloading. It appears he has been demoted from Surgeon and Security to Porter, but he does not complain. He takes a certain joy in the labor, and watching the flow of people and things.

//--Helena
Given that he is staying here on the Chaos side, I suppose that makes sense. sigh.

//--GM
Alma's pregnancy is confirmed within a week of you coming home. She and Loren are arguing a bit over his wish to have her go away until the political climate shifts again, but otherwise, they seem to be getting along well. Loren is at least outwardly over his dark mood.

//--Helena
Serpent, at least she has the energy and wherewithal to argue!

//--GM
Alma has been full of energy, redecorating parts of her Ways to accommodate a nursery. She asks if she might have a Waysmaster pave a path from her Ways to yours, so you might be more available to her. This is asked with a hint of regret, bringing to her mind what you have lost recently, but she keeps a smile for you as best she can.

//--Helena
I would love that, truly, and agree to it.

//--GM
Where in your Ways would it connect? She plans to stage her end from the near side of the now-nursery; a third door in a tiny hallway between nursery and diminished dressing room. How often do you visit Alma - before it is done and after?

//--Helena
Hard to say how much I'd get to see her, unless they're doing it this very week ;-) in which case the answer is at least a couple of hours during the day for a couple of the days.

//--GM
It is arranged after just three days, and done by the fourth.

//--Helena
As for connecting them, we would want there to be an announcing lock - sort of a knock-and-enter thing, along the path past the pond, so in total her Ways are about 3/4 mile away.

//--GM
Such is easily done.

//--Helena
I will ask them to dine with me and Saras at the end of the week (asking Loren first as he is more likely to say no). The turmoil meant that we did not announce our engagement to them formally, and I do wish to do so -- after the point at which it stops seeming a trivial "personal" thing when so much else is going on.

//--GM
Loren put you off just a little, ostensibly because his schedule was so crazed with all the transitions, but a time was finally set. You had just arranged this dinner when the message from the JRS came. Would you cancel, meet but not announce, go ahead, or ?

//--Helena
Was the dinner for before the JRS request? If so, we'll go ahead and have it. If it conflicts, I will move the dinner.

//--GM
The request is for the Turning after the dinner, so you would have maybe six hours with your parents before you had to begin your long trek on foot over little-used Ways-paths to make your meeting. Do you feel that's time enough, or do you move the dinner?

//--Helena
No, that's time enough.

//--GM
How do you and Saras dress to receive them? What do you serve? When during the visit do you plan your announcement?

//--Helena
Personally I dress in something appropriate to evening entertaining, having advised Alma of this, for I know how much she enjoys turning out in fashion and seeing me the same. Saras has been advised of this, but of course he may dress as he likes. I let him know with a grin, and in no uncertain terms, that I know how incredible he looks -- and feels and tastes and smells -- regardless of how he dresses.

//--Saras
Saras dresses well enough, though in his own style; wearing a faux turtleneck, dark blazer, and sharp slacks, and indulging in a hint of cologne and a black cord woven into his braid.

//--Helena
I will ask if there is something in particular Saras would like to conjure for the meal or in addition to what I can order, otherwise (or in addition) I will have catered in a fine meal with both Loren and Alma's favorites.

//--Saras
Saras spends several hours conjuring all of Loren and Alma's favorites, and a few of your own. It is a work of great joy for him, and - he assures you - little trouble.

//--Helena
I accompany him as he works, "helping" by tasting and interfering in small ways :-).

//--Saras
Saras proves his good humor at your interference with a small whipped cream fight - before either of you are formally dressed, of course. ;-)

//--Helena
I will discuss it in advance with Saras, but I think I would like him to formally announce our engagement to them both at the beginning of the meal, with the champagne that accompanies some small, festive appetizers.

//--Saras
He agrees, laughing lightly at the thought of revealing the exact circumstances of your proposal, but thinking better of it.

//--Helena
"Given Hoss's assessment, yes, I think Loren at least would frown upon it." I grin, though.

//--Saras
"It might amuse Alma to hear... but perhaps that should be a 'ladies night' sort of story." He shakes his head at the thought of explaining the chain of events that led to your proposal to Loren. "You might leave Hoss' assessment out of your retelling, though."

//--GM
Loren and Alma arrive; Loren's dark mandarin collar suit in fine contrast to Alma's cream and pearl swishy dress and bolero-length sweater-jacket. You all sit, Alma chatting briefly of the details of what she feels brewing inside her - nothing uncomfortable to report, though Loren allows himself a playful eye-roll at her thoroughness. Then, at an appropriate interlude, with champagne poured, Saras says, "Old friends, I am proud to announce that your daughter has consented to wed this aged warrior. I promise to love her for all my days, and keep her through... through anything," he abridges. "I hope we still have your blessing."

Alma starts crying such happy tears, and Loren rises to shake Saras's hand and hug you.

//--Helena
"I love you, Mother. Thank you," I whisper into her hair, and then I am swept up into the general movement of the joyous occasion.

//--GM
Things proceed from champagne to courses, and it is indeed a happy occasion. Is there anything else you touch upon in conversation, or so you keep the entire event light?

Saras shoots a gentle glance from you to the clock when there is less than two hours left before your intended departure to meet with the JRS. How do you wrap up the celebration?

//--Helena
I thank him with my return glance and a sad smile.

I sit back, and at the next lull I being speaking. "Mother, Father, there is something else. It would be wrong of me to share this news of my great happiness without also letting you know that my appointment with the JRS is coming up soon. I plan to tell them what I know and to plead my case such as it stands, and, if they are at all willing and their judgement allows, to find out whatever they can tell me about the entity. I know this worries you. Of course, I am worried also, but I strongly believe that any other course risks great harm here against what I hold dear of you, this place, our House, and perhaps the First Realm herself."

I steel myself for their arguments and hope my resolve shows in my face.

GM: Alma clams up, her joy gone, blaming herself, and Loren asks, point blank, "Do you really think they're interested in opening a dialogue?"
Helena: "I doubt they are. I hope to change their minds about its value."
GM: Alma gets up to leave, her hands over her belly. Loren says, "Who's going with you?"
Helena: I actually consider lying. "No one."
Loren: Loren shakes his head. "Saras, did you know about this?" Saras nods, moving to stand behind you, silently supportive, regardless of his feelings
Helena: I glance at him, and back at my father.
Loren: Loren suddenly notes Alma's departure, but clamps down on his reaction. "I'm not sure this was the duty and honor I'd intended to instill in you, Helena."
Helena: I feel stabbed, and betray it on my face. "What then? We discussed all of this and I thought... I thought it was clear."
Loren: "You broke your commission, and did everything else necessary to remove the threat. What more will meeting them do, aside from give them some excuse to imprison you?"
Helena: "They came here, as we knew they would. What else was I to do? Refuse?"
Loren: "Negotiate, perhaps? Require a witness, at least?"
Helena: "They came prepared to threaten me. Who would you have me put in that position?"
Loren: "Me. Your husband-to-be, perhaps," gesturing rather angrily at Saras, who retreats slightly.
Helena: Now I'm just confused. And angry, that the JRS may succeed at taking away the only respect that has ever been truly important to me. "I do this to honor my vows to this family, this House, and this Empire. Saras knows that. Why don't you?"
Loren: "I was making arrangements... trying to deflect them... trying to keep us together here."
He looks exhausted, as if his shifting can no longer mask his exhaution
Helena: "You didn't tell me that when their messenger was standing at my door.
"If you were making arrangements, why did they come here?
Loren: "Haven't I ripped your heart out enough times lately? I thought you would retreat a while... indulge in the plans you spoke of." He pauses. "I... I don't know." Anger and exhaustion give way to confusion. " I thought I had it wrapped up...."
Helena: "What are you TALKING about? You haven't done anything to me. What do I have to say to make you HEAR it?"
Loren: "Forty years. That I raised you well enough to forgive does not make it right."
Helena: "I didn't seek them out, I swear. If that makes any difference."
Loren: forces a breath to compose himself, his shoulders rattling a bit as he exhales. "It does." He turns so he's not staring a hole in you. "How will we get you back?" he asks rhetorically/
Helena: "I plan on walking back through that door."
Saras: Saras adds, "I can find her, if it comes to that."
Loren: Loren looks doubtfully at both of you.
Helena: I square my shoulders. "And I suppose you can keep doing... whatever it was that you were doing."
Loren: He grits his teeth. "I shall...."
Helena: I walk up to him and put my hands on his shoulders as if to kiss him formally in departure, but instead after a moment I turn into him and tuck my face into his neck and let my arms fall around him.
Loren: He finally raises his hands to embrace you. "I am... sorry, Helena. I just... I cannot lose one child for another."

Saras: Saras reassures, "I will find a way to keep her safe."
Helena: I let go of Loren regretfully. "And you keep Mother safe until I return."
Loren: "You know I will." He lowers his head. "I... I should have let you help me protect us. I will not exclude you again."
Helena: I do kiss his cheeks then, to keep him from further morbidity. "Go. I have to prepare."
Loren: He bows, very formally, to you and Saras. Saras shows him out, saying a few more things below your hearing.
Helena: When there is no chance they might see me through the glass of the room, I let myself sit on the floor. Hard. Unable to hold myself together without a reason, I sob.
GM: Do you try to pull it together before Saras gets back, or does he find you thus?
Helena: I try. If he turns straight around he'll catch me recovering.
GM: Nope, he lingered on the porch a bit. He does ask if you're all right when he comes back.
Helena: I nod, not trusting my voice.
Saras: "You know that I can find you."
Helena: I nod again. Forcing myself to speak, I say, "Yes, I do."
Saras: "I cannot advise on how far to go with them, or what they will grant for what they might ask you to endure."
Helena: "That is what I will find out."
Saras: "I am with you," he whispers.
Helena: I touch my head and nod again. Then I touch his heart. "When I come back from this, we shall have a family."
Saras: He brightens in small stages, slowly lifting a smile. "Then come back soon, {beloved}." Gentle kiss
Helena: It is early yet, but I may wish to walk slowly. I take off my ring and hand it to him.
Saras: He takes it and literally lets it disappear into his flesh. "It awaits you with my heart."
Helena: Having nothing more on me I care about losing that can be put aside, I prepare to slip out the front door and head for the path that was described to me.
I look down, and realize I am still dressed for the dinner. Not quite right. I change perfunctorily into the basic, formal uniform, Jesby, retired. Then I go.
GM: Long walk eventually along seemingly long unused Ways-paths. Thoughts?
Helena: I don't know what to think. I build up no false hope. In fact, I fill myself with nothing but my understanding of what happened, my reasons, my loyalty - not defensively, but in fact.