After Undertow — Blade and Corwin
A Private Conversation...
© 2004 Chris Butz
Blade looked around to make certain that Corwin was alone in the salon before he entered. Flora had just stepped out for a moment and Gerard would soon be expecting Blade as they left on their assigned mission with Laertes and Meridian, but Blade had wanted a few minutes alone with Corwin to express his thoughts about one of that day's revelations.
Blade walked into the room and Corwin looked up and met his eyes. There was clearly something that Blade wanted to get off his chest, and Corwin was not in the mood to hear the young Amberite's whining after having just been bitch-slapped by the Pattern only days earlier. Corwin began to raise his hand as if to fend off Blade's approach. Blade's eyes moved over to the wad of blood-soaked gauze now covering Corwin's lower right face and his expression changed from one of deliberation to one of determination.
"Fuck you, Corwin! I don't give a damn whether or not you want to hear what I have to say. I came here to say it and I'm not leaving until it's said. Now, you can either shut up, let me say my peace, and send me on my way, or you can argue with me first and make this that much more painful."
Corwin could tell that there was no dissuading the young man and he was deeply wearied by the events of the previous days, so he gave a resigned nod and waved Blade forward. It still hurt too much to talk if he didn't need to.
"Do you know how I got my name, Corwin?" It seemed like an odd way to start this tirade and it almost took Corwin by surprise. He shook his head.
"My birth fulfilled the first of the doomsday prophesies on my world and compared me to an assassin's blade. My mother named me something else entirely, but that didn't matter. Within days, she was the only one who wasn't calling me Blade. Pretty soon, even she gave up.
"Growing up like that shapes you. Everyone is hostile because they know that your very existence foretells their demise. When I was ten, my mother-the only person who had ever loved me-summoned Bleys to find out how he and I were tied to the end of time. Bleys was on his way to the Abyss for the final battle of Patternfall at that very moment. He knew I would not survive the repair of the Pattern with my mother, so he decided to take me away.
"My mother objected, so he killed her. Right in front of me. Then he invited me to accompany him. My first encounter with my father aroused within me deep feelings of anger and hate. That fucking bastard murdered my mother in front of me and then had the audacity to extend his hand so that I could step through the Trump contact with him.
"And do you know what I did at that moment?" Corwin shook his head again. He was certain that this monologue was going somewhere, but he was beginning to hope that Blade would make a point soon.
"I decided that it was better to survive-even if that meant taking refuge with my mother's murderer-than it was to die. I could live in hell. Hell wasn't permanent. Death was. I'm sure you are familiar with the events that followed. Bleys took me to Gerard and Gerard had me walk the Pattern so I would be somewhere safe when Oberon repaired the Primal Pattern.
"He put his hand on my neck and pushed me onto the Pattern, then he remained one step behind me the entire way with his hand ever present on my neck, waiting for my last breath, when he would lift up my corpse, toss it over his shoulder and complete the journey on his own. I knew why he was there and I knew what I had to do to survive. Once again, survival wasn't everything-it was the only thing.
"After that came the years as Gerard's foster son. There were some good times-don't get me wrong-but, he was evil incarnate. I endured Gerard' s 'care' only because of the will to survive his beatings and psychological brutality. I quickly grew to have the same sick love-hate relationship that most of you enjoyed with your father. I almost longed for the day that my murdering father would return and take me away from my foster father.
"Then, a funny thing happened. It was shortly after my thirteenth birthday. Gerard had made my life a living hell for over three years and even my resolve to survive no-matter-what was beginning to wear thin. It seemed as if there would be no end to the humiliations and bruises that he would inflict on me and I knew I could never escape him. I had started to despair when I encountered a servant named Rein."
Corwin's expression suddenly changed from one of resigned boredom to piqued interest. For the first time since Blade had begun reciting this speech, Corwin had a glimpse of where it was going. Blade didn't miss the change.
"Yes, Corwin, your loyal friend. I was reaching the end of my rope when Rein sat down with me one afternoon and begun to tell me about you. He told me about your struggles with Eric and your long absence from Amber, and I found all of that fascinating. But, it was what you did upon your return that amazed me. You never stopped. No matter what was thrown at you, no matter what you had to endure, your will to go on could not be broken.
"As I later found out, you were not the smartest member of the family, nor the most competent, nor the best groomed, nor the most liked, nor the sneakiest, nor the most knowledgeable. Yet you triumphed where all others failed and you did it through sheer force of will alone. I'm sure, at this
point, you are not surprised to hear that I quickly grew to idolize you. You became my inspiration. If you could survive what you survived, then I would make it through the darkness of my days."The reality, of course, was a great disappointment. Rein liked you and was extremely loyal. He never dwelt on your flaws-which are many. When I finally met you, I discovered just how much he'd left out of his narratives. But, that didn't matter. I was a man by then, and I had made it-in large part-because of the inspiration that your life provided me.
"The fop has been an act. I don't deny enjoying the playboy lifestyle that I affect, but that has never been what I was about. From the moment I was born, my singular focus has been to survive-to see the next day. When I lost sight of that, you were the one who showed the way. I only tell you all of this so that you will understand the depth of my anger.
"I don't give a shit what the Pattern did to you, what the Unicorn did to you, what the whole damn universe did to you, or anything else. You tried to check out because you were upset about the situation you found yourself in. You selfish bastard! For once in your life, take a look around at the lives you affect. I hate you with a degree of emotion that is second only to the hate I feel for my father and foster father, but I also owe my life to you, Corwin.
"You're all broken over your sin? Then stop sinning! No matter how much I may hate you, you matter too much to me and to others to excuse your attempt at taking the coward's way out. If you ever try it again, I'll kill you myself.
"There. I'm finished. I've said what I came to say." With that, Blade turned on his heel and marched out of the salon leaving Corwin alone with his thoughts.
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other writings: Background, Quiz, Blade and Rio, Undertow log, "Blade and not Rio", "Blade and Corwin", "The Promise of Power ", "An Open Letter to the Family"